Bootstrapping a D/s Dynamic: The Bottom-Up Approach to Building Dom Sub Dynamics with New Partners

Want a D/s dynamic but not sure how to start with a new partner? Learn how to build your Dom/sub relationship step by step—no experience or rigid contract required. Explore bottom-up D/s dynamics that grow with you.

You’re in a new relationship or have a new play partner, and you want to have a D/s dynamic. But all the resources about Dom/sub contracts make you feel like you’re supposed to already know your partner inside and out—or that you should already be skilled in these types of relationships. But what if your relationship is new and you’re still learning about each other, exploring your desires, and developing your skills in being Dominant or submissive? You basically need a way to hotwire the car and get it going.

This was exactly the dilemma I faced when I started getting more serious about my dynamics and began creating structure and protocols. I felt like I was supposed to know how it all worked—without ever having done it. After getting frustrated a few times, I came across advice from more experienced Doms: start slow, small, and simple. Build over time.

It reminded me of the difference between how an established business with many resources would approach a problem versus how a startup with limited resources and knowledge would have to bootstrap and build the business as they go.

So I started building my dynamics from the bottom-up, rather than the top-down.

Before we go any further, I want to note that I’ll be using a few example structures from my own dynamics. These are not intended as prescriptions or requirements for your dynamic—just examples. I recognize that there’s often a lack of detailed, transparent information about how D/s dynamics are structured. That veil exists for good reasons—privacy and safety among them. My hope is that you’ll use these examples as starting points to imagine what might be possible, and then create what works for you.

Top-Down vs. Bottom-Up

There are two basic approaches to creating structure in a D/s dynamic: top-down or bottom-up.

Top-down: You create a contract outlining everything from the start, and then work together to train both partners (because the Dom needs practice upholding the contract just as much as the submissive needs practice following it) in adhering to the structure.

Bottom-up: You create the contract as you go, starting with minimal structure and implementing one piece at a time.

The top-down approach is useful for converting long-standing relationships into D/s dynamics, or when the Dom has been practicing D/s for many years and has a solid grounding in what works for his dynamics. This approach requires a deep understanding of both partners and the core values of the relationship.

The bottom-up approach is especially useful when your partner is newer—say, less than a few years into the relationship—or when you’re both relatively new to D/s dynamics and are still exploring how to authentically embody your roles.

Why Use a Bottom-Up Approach to Building Your D/s Dynamic?

For the vast majority of partnerships entering into D/s dynamics, the bottom-up approach will be more accessible. Here are a few reasons to consider using it:

You Don’t Know Each Other Yet

It’s really difficult to set rules or expectations for someone you don’t truly know. At the beginning of a relationship, you’re still learning about each other. But that doesn’t mean you want to wait until you’re a mind reader, either. The bottom-up approach helps you build connections in the relationship while simultaneously building the dynamic.

You Don’t Know Yourself Yet

You might think you know exactly what you want and how you like to be a Dominant or submissive. You might believe you’ve got a clear grasp on stepping into one of these roles. However, once you actually start living it, you’ll likely discover that many of your assumptions about D/s—and more importantly, about yourself—were off. A bottom-up approach gives you the space to discover yourself in a gradual, controlled way, with plenty of room to maneuver and pivot without having to scrap an entire contract and start from zero.

Fantasy Is Not Reality

Something we often fail to realize is that the fantasies in our minds always lack the context of real life. Fantasy forgets that you both have jobs, families, bodies with limitations, personalities, emotions, and dozens of other real-world considerations. Sometimes what sounds really hot in theory turns out to be completely impractical in reality. A bottom-up approach allows you to test protocols and tweak them over time so they actually fit into your life.

Only Go as Deep as You Want to Go

A top-down, contract-heavy dynamic can be excessive—especially in a casual relationship. A bottom-up approach lets you start with minimal structure and build over time as the relationship deepens. Along the way, you might reach a point where you realize you don’t want the relationship—or the D/s dynamic—to go any deeper. You may want to maintain exactly the level of connection you’ve developed with that partner. The bottom-up approach lets you creep up on that Goldilocks point, rather than trying to nail it all in one go with a top-down contract.

How to Build a D/s Dynamic From the Bottom Up

Step 1: What & Why

Many of the questions typically used when creating a contract still apply to the bottom-up approach. However, we can distill them down to just a few essentials to get started:

• What does each person want, desire, need, value, and expect in a D/s dynamic?
• What does Dominance mean and look like to you?
• What does submission mean and look like to you?
• Why do you want to be in a D/s dynamic?
• What does your ultimate, idealized, fantasy D/s dynamic look like?
• What are the boundaries of this relationship?

Essentially, you’re trying to uncover the values, desires, and expectations within the relationship. Of course, you won’t have a complete picture yet—you’re making a limited but thoughtful and educated guess for both of you.

You’ll also want to talk about the current boundaries of your relationship, allowing the D/s dynamic to take shape within the real-life limitations of each person at this point in time. It can be helpful to fill out sex menus in order to wholistically address limitations. Boundaries and limitations are what transform fantasy into something real. In the realm of possibility, there are no limits. But in reality, it’s the limits that create the sandbox where the play can actually happen.

Step 2: Draft Rules & Pledges

Once you have a better understanding of the dynamic you’re aspiring to create, it’s time to begin crafting your structure.

If you take only one thing away from building a D/s dynamic from the bottom up, let it be this: keep it simple. Dead simple.

The more complicated the structure you create at the beginning, the harder it will be for you to uphold as the Dom, and for her to follow as the submissive. As a result, the structure can quickly become overwhelming, a hassle, and ultimately meaningless. You’ll both hate it and want to abandon the process before it’s even begun.

Make it easy to remember and easy to implement. Start with one simple rule—such as, “I will always listen to commands and guidance given by Him”—and implement and master it before adding another.

With that in mind, let’s discuss two important elements of a beginning structure: the Dominant’s pledges and the submissive’s rules.

Dominant’s Pledges

If you’re not already familiar with my writings, Dominance, to me, is about leadership—where power is only granted because the Dominant has assumed responsibility for the submissive. So, when creating structure for a dynamic, I think it’s just as important for the Dominant to explicitly state his responsibilities as it is to set the rules for the submissive. I like these to be in the form of pledges, because it acknowledges that these are responsibilities we aspire to uphold—even though we won’t always be perfect.

Here are some examples from a dynamic I’m currently in. Keep in mind these are based on what I know I’m capable of and what works for us. They may not be right for you. You need to live your dynamic, not mine. These are offered only as inspiration—not as definitive pledges every Dom must follow.

Example Pledges:

• I pledge to take responsibility for myself—becoming the best version of myself mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually—to be the best leader and partner I am capable of.
• You are my submissive, and I pledge to respect you as an individual and honor your agency.
• I pledge to take responsibility for leading the relationship and making decisions.
• I pledge to take responsibility for growing the relationship, improving it, and tending to its wellbeing.
• I pledge to take responsibility for caring for your safety and overall wellbeing—mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually.
• I pledge to take responsibility for facilitating communication so that our needs and limits are spoken for, and consent is clearly given in all aspects of the relationship.
• I pledge to take responsibility for guiding you to better understand yourself—mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually.
• I pledge to take responsibility for supporting and holding you accountable as you work toward your goals and become the person you aspire to be.

To start, pledge only the responsibilities you’re actually capable of taking on. Don’t overburden yourself. It’s far better to commit to one responsibility and knock it out of the park than to promise the world and underdeliver.

Iron Rules

When I first started taking dynamics more seriously and assigning rules, I created very narrow directives—like requiring the submissive to complete a specific task. What ended up happening was that these rules quickly became impractical. They didn’t account for different scenarios, they were hard to uphold or remember, or they just weren’t as hot or useful in practice as I’d imagined. Plus, if the rules were too narrow, you’d need hundreds of them to implement the kind of control you want.

So instead, I started creating just a few rules we could both easily remember—rules that rarely (if ever) changed but covered a broad range of behavior and could be interpreted across different situations. I began thinking of these as Iron Rules. These function more as overarching principles or mindsets for the submissive, rather than specific tasks.

Here’s an example of how this works:

One of the rules I initially created was that she had to clean my cock with her mouth after intercourse. It sounded hot in my head, but in practice, it quickly became a hassle. We use condoms, so there’s the condom taste, I’m trying to remove and toss the condom, sometimes we just want to lay there in bliss, etc.

However, there were still times I wanted that act. So instead of keeping it as a narrow rule, it got folded into two Iron Rules:

• He owns me. I will always listen to commands and guidance given by Him (unless it causes me harm). He always has final say.
• I am His sex toy.

Now, if I command her to clean me off, she’s still expected to do so because she follows my commands and serves as my sex toy. But these Iron Rules also apply more broadly—like when I request cockwarming, free use, or assign sex homework to help her improve her skills.

What’s essential with Iron Rules is that, as the Dom, you have a clear understanding of her boundaries and limitations—so you know when a rule does not apply. For instance, the first Iron Rule above explicitly states that if a command would cause her harm, she is not to follow it.

It also helps to clarify what each word or concept in the rule means to you. Terms like “harm” can vary dramatically, especially in a sadomasochistic dynamic.

Here are additional examples. Again, these are meant as inspiration. Create rules that work for you and your partner.

Example Rules:

• He owns me. I will always listen to commands and guidance given by Him (unless it causes me harm). He always has final say.
• I will respect Him as my owner.
• I will love and improve myself to be the best submissive for Him.
• I will communicate honestly, respectfully, and authentically with Him.
• He owns my body.
• I am His sex toy.
• I am His servant.
  

The only rule I recommend strongly considering for your own dynamic—especially in the beginning—is the first one:

 “He owns me. I will always listen to commands and guidance given by Him (unless it causes me harm). He always has final say.”

The reason? It allows both of you to practice one of the foundational aspects of D/s: the Dom gives a command, the submissive follows, and—if the experience is fulfilling for both—trust is built. It also reinforces the ownership mindset, helping each of you settle more deeply into your respective roles.

As stated before: pick one rule. Implement it. Master it. Then add more (if desired).

Step 3: Negotiate

This step is slightly misleading, since you’ve already begun the negotiation process back in Step 1 when exploring each person’s needs, boundaries, and limitations. But having a dedicated check-in between drafting rules and implementing them helps prevent misunderstandings, overreach, and the headache of introducing a rule one of you is going to end up resenting.

Sit down with your submissive and review the pledges and rules you’ve drafted.

Discuss:

• Why each is in place and how it serves the dynamic
• How you want each pledge or rule to be observed
• What happens if a rule or responsibility isn’t upheld
• Where either of you might struggle with implementation

Make sure you're both genuinely on board with the structure. If anything feels off, adjust it now—before it becomes something you both resent or simply ignore.

Step 4: Implement

This is where the rubber meets the road. You’ve formed a hypothesis about what might work for your dynamic—now it’s time to test it out in the real world.

A quick heads-up: it probably won’t work perfectly. At least not right away. That’s okay! This is experimentation. You’re learning together what works and what doesn’t. Don’t let early struggles discourage you. It’s all part of the process.

I highly recommend avoiding harsh punishments during this initial phase. Honestly, you’re both likely to fumble a bit. You’re trying on new roles, habits, and ways of relating to each other—and that takes time and practice. Be patient. Offer grace.

That said, accountability still matters. If you’re incorporating punishments, make sure they match the “crime” (if it even rises to that level). And consider using reflection-based corrections instead of jumping straight into intense disciplinary play.

Implementation often reveals:

• What values you share—or discover you don’t
• How you communicate and negotiate under pressure
• New turn-ons or turn-offs you hadn’t anticipated
• Protocols you need in special scenarios (e.g., around friends or family)
• Rituals that bring you closer and fit naturally into your lives

As you uncover more about yourselves, each other, and what your dynamic actually requires, you can evolve your structure. I recommend keeping a living document that you update regularly. Over time, this document will naturally become your contract—just like if you'd followed a Top-Down approach.

Step 5: Review, Rinse, and Repeat

I strongly recommend setting a regular review interval where you and your partner check in about how the dynamic is going. You want enough time between reviews to give the structure a fair shot, rather than abandoning it during the initial growing pains. But you also don’t want to go so long that problems fester.

In my dynamic, we have a monthly relationship check-in where this is one of our core discussion points. Find a rhythm that fits your relationship.

During your review:

• Assess how well the rules, pledges, and protocols are working
• Identify anything that needs to be added, removed, or refined
• Talk through any new rituals or protocols that have emerged naturally
• Decide what changes, if any, to implement in the next phase

Then go back into implementation mode. Test. Discover. Adjust. Repeat.

Build as You Go, Grow as You Learn

If there’s one big takeaway from all this, it’s that you don’t have to have it all figured out before you begin. While a top-down approach can be powerful in established relationships with clear dynamics, many of us—especially when things are new—need something a bit more agile, forgiving, and fun. That’s where the bottom-up method shines. It lets you start small, play, explore, and build real structure as trust deepens and your understanding of yourselves and each other grows.

You’re not trying to create a perfect dynamic overnight—you’re learning what turns you both on, what feels empowering, what’s sustainable, and what makes this whole D/s thing deliciously yours. You’re supposed to have fun with it. You’re allowed to experiment. And you’re allowed to pivot and evolve.

And if you find that you or your partner want to develop more skill—whether that’s learning to lead as a Dom, to serve as a sub, or to communicate more clearly around power exchange—check out the resources on how to step more fully into your Dominance or how to grow as a submissive. The journey gets even better when you have the tools to do it well.

Bottom line? You don’t need a perfect plan. You need a place to start—and the courage to build it together.