When Your Need for Control Might Be Hurting Your Dynamic

What if the control you think you have in a D/s relationship is nothing more than an illusion? Explore how dominance is built—not through force or perfection, but through intention, consent, self-mastery, and real control.

As a Dom, you can never actually have the control you desire—at least, not in the way you think.

Control is the ability to influence or direct a person’s behavior or the course of events. It’s a tool, a mechanism by which you can create specific outcomes. Why you want that control, and what you choose to do with it, will determine the type of person you are.

For some, the desire to control is rooted in creating the best possible outcomes for everyone around them—a step into servant leadership.

For others, it’s driven by fulfilling their own personal desires at the expense of others—a step toward tyranny.

And for a few, control becomes a way to avoid the reality that there is so much in this world we can’t truly command—a step toward illusion. Today we’re going to focus on this third category, and how a Dom may seek to gain real control, as well as how a submissive may choose to hand it over.

Why Would Someone Give Over Control?

First, let’s address why on earth someone would willingly give control of themselves over to a Dom—sometimes even as far as becoming a slave to them.

Simple: the Dom cares.

Let’s take a step back for a moment. Think about when you were a child. Unless your childhood was entirely traumatic, you were often willing to let your parents have a say over your life because they had your best interests at heart. You trusted that they cared about you.

Submission is about trust. You want to find someone who will put your best interests first—someone who will care for you when you are at your most vulnerable, when you have an utter lack of control. It’s the feeling of being so loved and so desired that someone is willing to protect you and keep you safe no matter what.

To some degree, all of us hand over control of our lives to various people every day. We make the exchange because we believe the other party—whether an employer, a corporation, or a government—will benefit us in some way. Most commonly, we do it so we don’t have to worry about the logistical challenges involved in meeting our basic needs.

So is it really so far-fetched that you’d willingly give over control in order to have your mental and emotional needs met, too—especially if you know that person genuinely cares about you?

You get to feel:

• Free
• Safe
• Desired
• Important
• Appreciated
• Accepted
• Loved

The dream for a sub is that as long as they do what the Dom says, everything will be great. They won’t have to make decisions. They won’t have to accept responsibility for what happens. They won’t have to worry about anything, period. It’s liberation and freedom from worry, anxiety, uncertainty, and the stressful realities of life—while still being cared for and taken care of.

Submission allows the sub to enter a state of tranquility and sink fully into the pleasure of a fantasy realm—a special bubble without stress or pressure—recharging their mental, emotional, and spiritual batteries to face another week of life.

They only have one responsibility: pleasing their Dom. The Dom will take care of the rest.

For a submissive, it’s as close to utopia, to heaven on earth, to pure bliss as you’re ever going to get.

Why Would Someone Want Control?

Here’s the trickier part—why would someone want that control?

Ideally, the desire for control comes from a place of servant leadership: taking responsibility for everyone’s needs, desires, and goals, and using that control to help fulfill them. In this frame, control becomes a tool wielded with the best intentions for both partners and for the health of the Dom/sub relationship. The Dom’s desire for control is born out of doing what’s best for both of them—caring for both people.

What we often keep a wary eye out for are the “Fake Doms” who want control without responsibility. They wield control solely in service of their own intentions and their own benefit. In that case, the Dom’s desire for control becomes tyranny.

What’s less obvious—and requires far more self-awareness—is when control is desired as a way to avoid the anxiety of an ultimately uncontrollable reality. Control becomes protection: a shield against the trauma of loss, abandonment, chaos, instability, or despair. Controlling the other person becomes a mechanism to avoid vulnerability.

Personally, I discovered traces of this early in my journey as a Dom—a shadow side to my desire for control. Part of my need for control stemmed from a reluctance to trust others with responsibility over me. If I stayed in control, I wouldn’t have to rely on anyone or risk being vulnerable. If I was in control, I naively believed I wouldn't have to be honest about what I wanted.

This mirrored how I operated in my everyday life. Highly independent and self-sufficient, I avoided relying on others because, eventually, people leave. And if I depended on them and they left, I’d be in trouble. My competence and problem-solving skills helped me hide this pattern, and society tends to reward that kind of self-reliance. But in relationships, that mindset is a knife in the side.

It took years of self-work, a patient and loving ex-wife, and a men’s group to teach me how to let people in, trust them, and—more importantly—rely on them.

Professionally, I work well in teams, though I still prefer leading or doing things myself. Romantically, I remain slow to let my guard down. I’ve done a lot to become secure in myself, but I still wrestle with the paradox: If you leave, I’ll be okay. I don’t need you. But if I don’t need you, why let you in at all? That’s not how intimacy works. Love isn’t about needing someone—that’s codependency. It’s about wanting them despite not needing them. It’s about being the one who’s willing to be vulnerable first, to rely on them, and to give them the chance to build trust.

Control-seeking goes awry when it’s driven by the urge to control as much of your environment as possible or to anticipate everything that can go wrong by creating a plan for every possible outcome. It’s rooted in a default, often unconscious belief or feeling that I’m not going to be okay or Things won’t be okay.

The Illusion of Control

So what’s the problem with these strategies? They don’t work. There will always be things outside your control. No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to fully manage your external environment.

And we cannot know the future, no matter how much we “think and plan ahead.” Things will go wrong, and bad things will happen. When they do, you’ll need to decide what to do based on the information available at that moment—details you cannot know in advance. Generally, the things we plan for aren’t the things that go wrong, and the things that go wrong aren’t the things we planned for.

More importantly, relying on control externalizes the conditions under which you can be okay. It bases your well-being on factors outside of you—the one place where you have no actual control.

In other words, for all your efforts to gain control, you’re not gaining control at all. You’re only gaining stress and anxiety.

You believe that by acquiring more control, you’ll be able to guarantee the outcomes you want, prevent “bad things” from happening, and become the ultimate arbiter of your domain. But the truth is this: we can only control ourselves to a certain extent, and we have limited influence on those around us—even those who submit to us. There is a limit to how much control can realistically exist in a Dom/sub relationship.

In a Dom/sub dynamic, you can only take control of:

• That which you can realistically take responsibility for given your capabilities. Taking more than that results in tyranny, disappointment, or harm.
• That which your partner freely and genuinely wants to give. Control without consent is manipulation and abuse.

This means that even in a Dom/sub relationship, there will always be dozens of factors outside your control. And at the end of the day, you don’t truly own or control the other person unless they consent.

None of this is to say that the desire for control is bad. Most of my writing shows you how to wield it in a positive way. It’s about recognizing your own shadows and shortcomings.

How to Gain Real Control in a D/s Relationship

Step 1: Master Yourself Before You Master Another

If you want to control another person, you must first learn to control yourself—specifically, the anxiety behind the need for control. It’s a paradox, but you can only ask someone to hand you their control when you’re not desperately grasping for it.

Let Go of What You Cannot Control

At the end of the day, the only thing you truly control is yourself. Shift your sense of well-being away from external factors and toward your own internal strengths and capabilities.

Things that are not in your control: What someone else thinks or feels, why they behave a certain way, acts of nature, government decisions, health crises, and countless other external events.

Things that are in your control: Your self-image, your skills and competency, what you think, how you choose to act or react, how you communicate, and what you choose to communicate.

Recognize that no matter what happens to you—or around you—you are the reason you will be okay. Your internal strengths, competencies, qualities, knowledge, skills, and resources are what enable you to cope with whatever comes.

Accept Yourself and Others as You (and They) Are

At the end of the day, we are all human. No one is perfect—not even you—so perfection shouldn’t be the expectation. When you hold yourself or someone else to impossible standards, disappointment and frustration are guaranteed.

This happens because we tell ourselves that in order to reach a specific outcome, there must be one “correct” way to behave. We label this way as “best”—not because it’s objectively effective, but because it’s predictable. We assume what worked before will always work again, or what worked for us will work for someone else. So when we fall short, we berate ourselves for not doing “better.” And when someone else falls short, we insist they need to change.

Here’s the truth:

• Cause and effect in life is far more complex than we think.
• No one knows the “best” way to do something because the future is unpredictable.
• Most people—including you—are doing the best they can with what they have.
• People make decisions based on the information available to them at that moment.

Understanding that the future is outside your control, and that both you and your submissive are doing your best, allows you to give more grace. You stop holding yourself—or them—to impossible standards.

Reduce Your Anxiety

A need for control can be a trauma response triggered by uncertainty. Some people developed enormous windows of tolerance through sheer necessity. They’ve had to function in high-stress environments and keep it together, so others assume they’re strong, calm, and capable. When chaos hits, these are the people we hand responsibility to—because they look like they can handle it. Over time, control becomes their comfort mechanism.

This often shows up as overplanning, needing every detail before making a decision, or trying to do everything yourself.

You can reduce this anxiety by:

• Building self-assurance that you have the skills to handle any outcome, reducing your need to overplan
• Engaging in play or spontaneous activities that create positive experiences from unpredictable situations
• Delegating tasks that don’t truly require your involvement or skill
• Asking for help in the areas where you genuinely need it
• Practicing general stress-reduction techniques such as meditation
  
  

Of course, this is only the beginning of mastering yourself. There are far deeper layers to explore. I recommend picking up my book—or at the very least, familiarizing yourself with the concepts in How to Be a Dom.

Step 2: Ask for Control

Given everything we’ve covered so far, you might start to wonder whether the desire for control makes you a bad person—or whether wanting control at all is inherently harmful. But that’s short-sighted, binary thinking. BDSM is an arena where we intentionally explore topics and activities others might label “bad” or “toxic,” yet we do so with care, skill, and purpose so the experience becomes fulfilling and beneficial for everyone involved. The desire itself isn’t the problem. How you go about gaining that control is what matters.

This is the crux of BDSM: consent.

Something powerful happens when you ask for what you want and hear an enthusiastic yes.

Asking is what allows you to take control. It’s the vulnerable step you’ve been trying to avoid by keeping everything within your domain. It says: “I have this need or desire. I would like you to fulfill it. Would you be willing to do so?”

When you ask—rather than coerce, manipulate, or posture to get your needs met—you give the other person the ability to say no. The only “yes” that is meaningful, authentic, and truly nourishing is a yes that could have been a no. Expressing a need does not obligate anyone else to fulfill it. Other people are autonomous beings with the absolute right to decline.

It is in your own best interests to grant others the freedom to say no. When someone freely chooses to meet your needs out of the joy of contributing to your well-being, those needs are met more fully, more effectively, and with far greater consistency. I say it all the time: “I don’t want you to do what you genuinely don’t want to do.” Because what you receive out of genuine desire hits differently—it lands deeper, feels richer, and creates far more intimacy.

But consent isn’t only for the other person. It’s for you.

Consent gives you the freedom to act on your desires without shame, hesitation, or guilt. There’s no second-guessing. No internal conflict. No uncertainty about whether you’re allowed to want what you want. Your partner has explicitly stated that you may act on your desires—including your desire for control.

Step 3: Start Small, Show Competency, & Build Trust

When you ask for control, you’re also pledging to take on the responsibility that comes with it. So start by taking ownership only of the responsibilities you can actually handle. Don’t overburden yourself. It’s far better to commit to one responsibility and execute it flawlessly than to promise the world and underdeliver.

If you say you’re going to do something—big or small—and you follow through, others will naturally give you more control over time. They’ll see that you’re someone with the competency to turn potential futures into reality.

But if you say you’re going to do something and then fail to deliver—whether through dishonesty or negligence—people won’t align with you. You’ll become all talk and no action. They won’t trust your word, and they certainly won’t hand you control over any part of themselves.

Which kind of person do you think someone would trust with the responsibility of their submission?

Step 4: Ask for More Control (or Let Them Ask to Give It)

If you truly want to amass power in your life, you need to start viewing every moment as an opportunity to assume responsibility. Every day, you’re presented with chances to step up and lead where others might prefer to abdicate responsibility. These are the areas where people will naturally be willing to give over control because it directly benefits them—and sometimes, they’ll even ask you to take it.

In other instances, certain desires for control will be entirely selfish. And that’s okay to ask for too! What matters is that you’ve demonstrated to your submissive that you do not abuse the control you’re given, that you never move outside their boundaries or limits, and that the control they have given you has improved their life. When those conditions are met, they feel compelled—almost instinctively—to reciprocate with deeper trust and deeper service.

Step 5: Give Back Control When You Abuse It

Remember when I said everyone makes mistakes? Well, that includes you. And how you respond to those mistakes makes all the difference.

When I make a mistake, I follow a very clear process:

1. I reflect deeply on how the mistake happened and the harm it caused.
2. I go to my submissive, apologize, and name the exact place where my leadership faltered—the mistake I made, the need of hers I missed, or the boundary I crossed.
3. I validate her experience and emotions surrounding the harm.
4. I explain the actions I will take to prevent the same mistake from happening again.

If the mistake involved an abuse of control, it may be necessary to consider whether you’re ready for control over that particular domain. That might mean returning to the work of mastering yourself before taking it back, and rebuilding trust step by step.

How to Give Control as a Submissive

Step 1: Submit from a Secure Place

One of the biggest concerns for new submissives is choosing the right Dom—and avoiding a “Fake Dom.”

The best way to keep yourself safe is to submit from a place of security within yourself. Submitting while insecure can be dangerous because some Doms will use your insecurities to manipulate or control you in unhealthy ways.

Even a good Dom might overstep a boundary or overlook a need if you never voiced it. We’re not mind readers. (Yet.)

And you’ll only speak up for your needs if you believe you’re worthy of having them—if you’re secure in yourself.

My advice: Learn what your needs are, then learn the skills required to meet those needs yourself. Practice fulfilling them, just as you would for someone else.

Doing so will shift your perspective in three powerful ways:

• You’ll respect yourself more, which makes you far more likely to stand up for your needs.
• You’ll give from a place of fullness. When your own needs are met, you have overflow—energy you want to share.
• You’ll choose to submit, inviting someone to care for you not because you need them, but because you want them.

And here’s the kicker: Becoming secure in yourself doesn’t just protect you—it also makes you far more attractive to the right Doms, while filtering out the ones who never ask for control in a healthy way.

Step 2: Know Your Yeses and Nos

D/s relationships are built on consent. Both sides must say yes and be fully bought in. However, Doms rarely have to practice saying no, because they’re the ones steering the dynamic and are unlikely to push things in a direction they don’t want to go.

Submissives, on the other hand, must be skilled at speaking up—at saying yes, saying no, and knowing which is which. And this can get confusing, because sometimes something is a no right now, a yes later, and then a no again. You can easily become uncertain about what you truly want.

Worse, if you’re a no to something but you say yes anyway—because you’re nervous, eager to please, or unsure of yourself—you’re setting yourself up for regret, shame, and resentment. You also begin to erode trust not only in your Dominant but in yourself.

This is why it’s critically important for you to learn how to feel into your body and emotional state at any given moment. Yes and no have distinct sensations. They vary from person to person, but you know your body best.

A yes often feels:

• Expansive
• Light, airy
• Warm
• Full of energy and excitement
• Attention dialed in
• Free of tension

A no often feels:

• Contracting
• Heavy, dark
• Irritable or restless
• Detached, bored, or tired
• Uncertain
• Full of tension
• Cringe

Once your intuition is online, it’s time to figure out what you actually want as a submissive. This is crucial to do before you engage with a Dom for two major reasons:

First, hearing “Do whatever you want to me” can be sexy—if we’ve already discussed the boundaries of what “whatever you want” means. But if you say this before you’ve told a Dom what you actually want, it creates frustration and anxiety. Because what if they do something you didn’t want? What if they “fuck up” by guessing wrong?

Second, Doms can be charming and persuasive. Not because we’re trying to manipulate you into doing something you don’t want—but because we’re trying to do what we want to do. Everyone is trying to get their needs met. Our hope is that it becomes a win-win for both of us. But if you don’t know what you want, the dynamic can quickly start to feel one-sided.

Step 3: Determine What Might Feel Good to Give Over

Right now, you may be a busybody—submitting to everyone except your Dom. Think about it: where in your life are you already submitting and giving of yourself out of obligation? These obligations drain you and make you resentful of serving others—which is the exact energy you’ll bring into your D/s dynamic.

To truly surrender, you must look honestly at where your time, energy, and resources are going—and most importantly, how you feel about how you’re spending your time. The goal is to get radically real with yourself and begin identifying where you can create space. That space allows you to be alive and full—so that when you serve your Dom, you serve from abundance rather than depletion or obligation.

To do this, create four columns: Obligations, Energy, Enjoyment, Action.

Obligations

In the first column, list every obligation you’re currently committed to. Include the things you believe you cannot change—because even those must be examined. Children, partners, family, work, social commitments… all of it.

Ask yourself:

• Who do I give my time and energy to?
• What things must I do every day?
• What things must I do consistently?
• What responsibilities do I have?
• What am I committed to?
• What do I do with my free time?
• How do I take care of myself?
• How do I take care of others?
• When do I numb or distract myself?
• How do I waste time?
• How much do I sleep?

Continue adding people, obligations, and commitments until you feel you’ve captured where most of your energy goes. Checking your calendar, contacts, message history, and email can help jog your memory.

Now… take a breath. Or better yet, take a bath or a long walk. Seriously. That list probably feels overwhelming.

Energy

In the second column, mark how each obligation affects your energy.

Use these symbols:

• (+) gives you energy
• (-) drains you
• (/) feels neutral

Enjoyment

In the third column, rate each item based on how much enjoyment it gives you.

Use a scale from 0 to 10:

• 0 = you despise doing it
• 10 = you love it and feel deeply fulfilled by it

Action

The final step is to decide how to approach each obligation moving forward. While some responsibilities feel unchangeable, you always have some form of choice—though not always an easy one.

You’ve already enlisted the support of a Dom to bring more freedom, harmony, aliveness, pleasure, and calm into your life. This step allows you to identify which obligations can be released, delegated, or given over to your Dom. In fact, I recommend doing this step with your Dom so they can help you find clarity.

Review your list and determine how to relate to each item moving forward. Use the following categories:

• Stop: Looking for obligations with a (-) or (/) and an enjoyment score under 5. These obligations drain you and bring little joy. Ask:  What would happen if I stopped doing this? If possible, remove them completely.
• Relinquish: Still looking at items with a (-) or (/) and enjoyment under 5, ask yourself: Which of these cannot be removed, but could be given to my Dom? Then look at enjoyment scores 5–7: Which of these might run more smoothly—or bring more peace—if your Dom oversaw them? Relinquishing control in these areas allows you to create space for what truly matters.
• Cherish: These are the items marked with a (+) and an enjoyment score above 5—ideally 8–10. These obligations fill you with energy, joy, and aliveness. These should remain yours. Do not give them up. They are part of what keeps you whole.

As you can see, giving up control doesn’t need to be difficult—especially when you start with the things that drain you and bring little enjoyment.

But let’s be clear: You are not dumping all your problems onto your Dom. We’re problem solvers, not charity workers. The more you relinquish, the more you’ll be expected to serve your Dom in the way they see fit. That’s the exchange.

What you gain, however, is freedom:

• Freedom to focus on what fills you with life, energy, satisfaction, and pleasure.
• Freedom to reconnect with yourself.
• Freedom to show up full, overflowing, radiant, and eager to serve your Dom.

Exactly what we want: Eagerness. Passion. Joy. Vibrancy. Glowing energy. Ultimate devotion.

Step 4: Start Small & Build Trust

If you want them to take control, you’re going to have to surrender control. But don’t hand over your entire life and power right from the start. You have no idea yet whether they can handle that level of responsibility. Instead, start small. With each successful experience of giving over control, you can offer more the next time.

Examples include:

• Asking them to choose what you wear
• Asking them to choose what you eat
• Asking them to plan your date, weekend, or trip

If they’re not used to making choices for you, they may respond with, “I don’t know what you want.” Don’t get annoyed. Reassure them that you want them to choose and tell them how it makes you feel when they take control.

If they choose something you don’t like, don’t berate them. Remember: the entire point is to place yourself in situations where their dominant traits can shine—and where you can reinforce your trust in their judgment. Over time, they’ll become more attuned to you. As they gain confidence and receive feedback, they’ll step into their dominance more naturally and powerfully.

Control Begins With Intention

At the heart of every D/s dynamic—every exchange of power, every act of dominance or submission—lies one question: Why do you want control?

Everything in this article leads back to that. 

Control can be a tool for connection, harmony, erotic energy, and mutual flourishing. Or it can become a hiding place—a shield against vulnerability, uncertainty, or fear. The difference is not in the act itself, but in the intention behind it.

If you seek control to guide, support, elevate, and care for your partner, your dominance will be felt as grounding, delicious, and safe.

If you seek it to feed insecurity, avoid vulnerability, or soothe old wounds, your dominance will become rigid, anxious, and ultimately self-sabotaging.

So pause and check your motivations. Ask yourself:

• Am I seeking control to create something beautiful between us?
• Or am I seeking it to avoid something uncomfortable within myself?

True dominance isn’t about micromanaging someone else. It’s about mastering yourself so completely that another person wants to place their trust—and their control—in your hands.

And true submission isn’t about giving up your power. It’s about offering it consciously, joyfully, and from a place of security and self-respect.

When both partners understand their own intentions, power becomes something you build together, not something one person tries to extract from the other.

Because control, in the end, is not the goal.  Connection is.