How to Stop Constantly Criticizing Your Partner (and Yourself)

Is constant criticism slowly eroding your relationship? Learn why criticism rarely gets your needs met, how to identify the real issues beneath your frustrations, and how shifting from blame to clear requests can transform communication, intimacy, and connection.

Let me ask you something: How many times has criticizing your partner actually produced the change you were hoping for?

Did they ever respond with, “You know what, you're so right. Let me change this about myself to better suit you.”

Probably not…

Yet we all do it. No matter who you love, you’ll always have some complaints about your partner—yes, even with your soulmate. It would be unrealistic to expect two different people to love each other—or live together—without any friction. Each of us has our own needs, desires, boundaries, and limits, and they’re bound to collide at times. Those collisions create conflict.

But why does that lead to criticism? And more importantly, how do we stop it so we can create the loving, nourishing, supportive relationship we want—including the one we have with ourselves?

This article will explain why we criticize our partners and how we can use that same impulse to improve ourselves, shift our perspective of our partner, and actually get our needs fulfilled.

What Is Criticism?

Criticism in a relationship occurs when we focus on our partner’s flaws and pass judgment. It shows up as disapproving, critiquing, correcting, blaming, nitpicking, or trying to “fix” them.

Constant criticism is not constructive, encouraging, or inspiring. It fixates on the negative and does not offer useful information for solutions or improvement.

Criticism vs. Complaint

There is an important distinction between criticism and complaint—one worth recognizing, because the former destroys connection while the latter highlights issues that partners can work together to resolve.

Criticism:

• Is non-specific and directed at the person as a whole
• Expresses negative feelings or opinions
• Focuses on a partner’s character or personality
• Often uses absolutes like “always” or “never”
  
  

Complaints:

• Center on specific situations, actions, or behaviors
• Expresses negative feelings
• Focuses on needs that are not being met
• Does not place blame on the other person

Criticism can have devastating effects because it makes the receiver feel assaulted, rejected, or hurt. It often pushes couples into an escalating pattern where criticism returns with greater frequency and intensity.

Why Do We Criticize?

Put simply: criticisms are born from not expressing your needs clearly.

Beneath every criticism is a need that is going unmet or unrecognized. When that happens, your mind and body alert you through an uncomfortable feeling. Naturally, you look for an explanation for that discomfort. You scan your environment and—what do you find? Your partner’s mistakes or perceived transgressions, which may or may not be the true source of your annoyance or disappointment.

We often criticize as a form of self-protection. It’s much easier to see our partner as the cause of the problem than to drop our shield and say, “My needs are not being met. Help me.”

Criticism lets us avoid vulnerability and instead hold a position of superiority, righteousness, or perfection. It feels like the problem is “out there,” when the emotional charge actually originates within you.

The issue with this mindset is twofold:

1. If they are the problem, then you are helpless to solve it. You can’t control your partner, so making them the source leaves you feeling like a victim of their behavior and your circumstances—miserable and disempowered.
2. Criticism damages the relationship itself. It makes your partner feel attacked, rejected, or hurt. Over time, it builds resentment on both sides and erodes connection. And a deteriorated relationship will never be able to meet the very need you’re longing to fulfill.

So how do you get your needs met? In the only way that actually works: by asking. We’ll explore how to do that in a moment. For now, it’s enough to recognize that every criticism points to an unmet need. When you understand this, you can identify what you truly need in the moment and express it to your partner—without resorting to criticism.

How to Stop Criticizing (and Actually Get Your Needs Met)

Step 1: Look at Yourself

Because we have no control over other people, the first place to look when trying to resolve your discomfort is within yourself.

Here’s a hard truth to swallow: you are only critical of things in others that you have not yet accepted in yourself.

Whatever you criticize in someone else is pointing toward something within you that remains unaccepted. And once you do accept it—whatever it is—your relationship to that criticism changes. You may still view the other person’s behavior negatively or still prefer they stop doing it, but the emotional charge, the negative intolerance, dissolves. In its place is something different, usually compassion.

Let me give you an example. One of my old pet peeves was perceiving other people as lazy. In a past relationship, this showed up when my partner left their clothes on the floor. It drove me crazy.

But when I began examining why it bothered me so intensely, I realized the criticism wasn’t truly about them—it was about my own inability to relax. I valued orderliness in my environment because it kept my mind free from outside reminders, which allowed me to unwind. On a deeper level (after years of reflection), I discovered that my high-achieving need to work, perform, and avoid “laziness” was both a survival mechanism and an outcry for love, acceptance, and feeling like I mattered. In my conditioning, there was no space for rest—only responsibilities that must be met.

I had to actively learn how to relax through meditation, making time for play, taking vacations, and letting some problems go unfixed because, in the grand scheme of things, they didn’t matter as much as I believed.

In the process, I became more tolerant. Sure, I still preferred the clothes be picked up, but the emotional charge faded. I could accept the situation as it was.

That’s the essence of this exercise: recognize the uncomfortable feeling and use it as fuel for introspection.

The Criticalness Exercise:

1. Notice when you become critical of someone. Pause and acknowledge the reaction instead of running with it.
2. Identify exactly what you are criticizing. It may be what they are doing, how they are doing it, or how you’re interpreting their behavior.
3. Reflect on what part of yourself you are not accepting. You might do something similar, want to do something similar, or wish you could do something differently.
4. Once you recognize the disowned part of yourself, something shifts. You may still dislike the behavior, but you’ll feel differently toward the person. The sting of criticism softens.

Below is a list of qualities you may be projecting onto others—traits that provoke strong emotional reactions—and the corresponding qualities you may not be owning in yourself:

• Addictiveness → Steadfastness
• Anxiety → Excitement
• Approval seeking → Openness to appreciation
• Arrogance → Self-confidence
• Bias → Discernment
• Bitterness / Grudge-holding → Refusal to overlook injustice
• Caretaking → Compassion
• Clinging → Loyalty
• Compromise → Negotiability
• Compulsive orderliness → Organization and efficiency
• Conning → Teaching, encouraging
• Connivance → Intelligent strategizing
• Controlling → Leadership
• Cowardice → Caution
• Cruelty → Anger
• Cunning → Forethought
• Defensiveness → Preparedness
• Demanding → Asking
• Dependency → Trust in others
• Flattery → Complimenting
• Foolhardiness → Bravery
• Greed → Self-provision
• Guilt → Conscientiousness
• Hostility → Assertiveness
• Hypocrisy → Ability to “act as if”
• Impatience → Eagerness
• Impulsiveness → Spontaneity
• Incompetence → Willingness to experiment
• Indecision → Openness to possibilities
• Insensitivity → Objectivity
• Intimidation → Confrontation
• Jealousy → Protectiveness
• Jumping to conclusions → Intuition
• Lack of order → Flexibility
• Laziness → Relaxedness
• Loneliness → Openness to nurturance
• Loquacity → Articulateness
• Lying → Imaginativeness
• Neediness → Asking for appropriate needs to be respected
• Obsequiousness → Respect
• Perfectionism → Commitment to doing things well
• Procrastination → Honoring one’s own time
• Rigidity → Tenacity
• Sarcasm → Wit
• Selfishness → Self-nurturance
• Self-pity → Self-forgiveness
• Sense of obligation → Choice
• Slyness → Shrewdness
• Tactless bluntness → Frank candor
• Taking for granted → Acceptance
• Vengefulness → Justice

Although you may work through this process, the issue often remains a source of criticalness until you fully accept the associated aspect of yourself. This part takes time. And that’s okay.

Stopping Self-Criticism and Stepping Toward Self-Acceptance

A powerful way I found to do this is to stop praising yourself for the “good” things and punishing yourself for the “bad.”

This is an advanced tactic—next-level inner work—but it will fundamentally change how you treat yourself and, surprisingly, how you treat others.

Many people look outside themselves for praise and punishment. They wait for others to validate their actions, and when that validation arrives, they internalize it as a measure of their worth.

I didn’t escape this cultural conditioning of performing for validation—and then mistaking validation for love. I was that kid chasing gold stars and 4.0 GPAs. It took me well into adulthood to realize that the black hole of validation is never-ending. And it will never fill the void created by believing you’re not enough.

Over time, I started noticing something: when someone judges you—positively or negatively—it’s usually a reflection of their values. Of what they want (or don’t want) to exist in the world. Sometimes it’s even a projection of traits they secretly wish they had.

Either way, it’s about them. Not about you.

If someone rejects me or doesn’t like the way I show up, it’s usually because I’m misaligned with their values—or because I reflect something they don’t want to see in themselves. And if I don’t share those values, their judgment simply doesn’t apply. That realization helped me stop taking negative feedback so personally.

But here’s the kicker: the inverse is also true.

If someone praises me, it means I’m doing something they like—or expressing a trait they value or aspire to. Again, it’s not really about me. So I stopped taking praise so seriously, too.

Instead, I began measuring my actions against my own internal compass: Who do I want to be? What do I value?

Some people move beyond external validation and start seeking internal validation. But many of us are still unconsciously running on internal narratives that were given to us by someone else.

That “someone” could be your mother, your family, your religious community, your government, society at large—any collective that taught you its values.

Every group relies on shared stories to function. These stories include the group’s values, standards, and behavioral expectations, all designed to help the collective reach its goals.

When someone violates those stories, they’re labeled “bad,” and their behavior is deemed “wrong” to bring them back into alignment with what the group finds acceptable. If the collective doesn’t enforce this, the stories unravel—and the group can’t function as efficiently.

As individuals, we internalize these stories. We start believing that we—as human beings with inherent worth far deeper than how we look or what we do—are “bad.”

So when we do something socially accepted, we praise ourselves. When we do something socially unacceptable, we criticize and punish ourselves.

Some people manage to quit shaming and punishing themselves, but they still chase the internal high of “doing the good thing.” They still seek praise—just from themselves instead of others.

Here’s the truth: every time you praise yourself for the “good,” you reinforce a binary in your mind. If “good” exists, then there is a corresponding “bad.” And as long as that “bad” exists, you’ll never truly escape self-criticism and self-shame.

I’m not saying you can never tell yourself, “Good job.” I’m saying that your actions cannot define your value as a person.

Doing something “good” does not make you more valuable than others. Getting a raise, working out, volunteering, helping someone—none of these make you a better human being. Because if they did, the opposite would also be true: losing your job, skipping a workout, choosing yourself, engaging in a taboo sexual act—none of these make you less valuable.

Sometimes this idea is hard to wrap your head around. Personally, I had to start by not judging other people first. I had to stop believing I was better than others. I had to learn that just because I was more skilled or capable in certain areas, that didn’t make me a superior human being.

And when that shifted, something else shifted too:

• I stopped putting other people above me.
• I stopped shaming myself for not living up to their values.
• I stopped criticizing myself for not achieving their socially constructed goals.
• I stopped caring whether I received a compliment or a criticism. Neither held weight.

As a result, I became more accepting, more loving, and more kind—both outwardly and inwardly. I became more open-minded. All that energy could now move freely instead of being trapped in self-judgment.

A significant step toward self-acceptance begins exactly there.

Step 2: Take Some Responsibility

Some problems will resolve themselves after Step 1. Once you identify what you’re critical of and learn to change or accept that part of yourself, the emotional charge dissolves—leaving you with neutrality or even compassion toward your partner’s behavior.

However, some problems will still need to be addressed with your partner. But before bringing your grievances to them, you’re not done examining yourself. You need to take responsibility for your part in how the problem arose. Taking responsibility prevents conflicts from escalating and actually empowers you by revealing the needs that have gone unmet and unspoken.

I’m a sucker for high-quality questions—the kind that dismantle your assumptions and reveal hidden parts of yourself or the world. A set of questions from Jerry Colonna is especially relevant to taking responsibility for your problems.

Four Important Questions to Continually Ask Yourself

1. How have I been complicit in creating the conditions I say I don’t want?
2. What am I not saying that needs to be said?
3. What am I saying that’s not being heard?
4. What’s being said that I’m not hearing?

Let’s explore each of these in the context of criticism.

How Have I Been Complicit in Creating the Conditions I Say I Don’t Want?

Humans are notoriously bad at recognizing cause and effect in relationships. We assume causes are linear—A causes B. But relationships are complex systems, meaning the causes of any single problem can be numerous, overlapping, and simultaneous. It’s entirely possible that something you’re doing upstream is triggering the very behavior you’re criticizing in your partner.

A classic example is the dynamic between an anxiously attached person and an avoidant partner. One person wants more closeness; the other withdraws. The anxious partner clings harder; the avoidant pulls away more. Both criticize the other’s behavior, but both are also complicit—each is acting from unaddressed insecurity, creating a feedback loop neither intended.

What Am I Not Saying That Needs to Be Said?

In other words: Have you actually expressed what you need?

There’s a crucial difference between avoiding criticism and avoiding difficult conversations. This process is meant to help you remove hurtful attitudes and language—not to avoid addressing real issues.

Some people silently keep score of their partner’s mistakes to avoid conflict, but this only builds resentment. Eventually they explode in criticism because they’ve bottled up frustration for too long. This creates a negative narrative about the relationship, making every new irritation “evidence” of wrongdoing.

Over time, you may:

• Start counting your partner’s injustices
• Stop noticing what’s positive
• Emotionally distance yourself
• Or erupt in anger

And since your partner hasn’t heard a word until your breaking point, they’re blindsided. There’s almost no chance they’ll meet your needs if they don’t know what those needs are.

The only real solution is to address problems directly—starting with your own responsibility, followed by having the difficult conversations. Expressing complaints in a healthy way improves intimacy, solves problems, and strengthens the relationship.

What Am I Saying That’s Not Being Heard?

When you use criticism, your partner is immediately thrown into self-defense. Your words feel like an attack—not just on their actions, but on their character. Behavior is changeable; personhood is not.

Feeling attacked, rejected, or hurt makes it nearly impossible for your partner to hear your needs. And the more ignored you feel, the more you may resort to nagging. But even then, your partner still won’t hear you.

You can criticize all day long, but your words will never land when they’re delivered in a way that feels like harm.

What’s Being Said That I’m Not Hearing?

This is the question that digs deep.

You can become so focused on your unmet needs that you fail to notice why your partner is acting the way they are. Every person—every single one—is constantly trying to fulfill their own needs. Every behavior, conscious or unconscious, is an attempt to get those needs met.

So even the behavior you’re criticizing—yes, even that—is serving some purpose for your partner.

Which means it’s worth asking:

• Why are they doing this?
• What need are they trying to fulfill?
• Which of their needs might be going unmet?

When you ask these questions, you open up the possibility of co-creating solutions that meet not only your needs but theirs as well. And when both people’s needs are acknowledged, understood, and considered, the likelihood of the problem repeating dramatically decreases.

Step 3: Ask for the Unspoken Need

If you’re unhappy with something in your relationship, by all means express it. But instead of attacking with criticism, express your positive needs clearly and without blame.

Think of your complaint as a set of directions to your needs: Turn right here, then left here. It’s far easier for your partner to follow explicit, compassionate guidance than vague frustration or emotional landmines.

One of the best tools for doing this is Nonviolent Communication (NVC). NVC helps you separate objective observations from the criticism you’re tempted to layer on top of them. It allows you to take responsibility for your own feelings and unmet needs while communicating both the logic (“here’s what happened”) and the emotion (“here’s how it affected me”) without blending the two into a judgment.

Basics of Nonviolent Communication

• Observation: Make an objective statement about what happened. “When this thing happens…”
• Feelings: Name your actual emotion, not a thought disguised as a feeling. “I feel sad, angry, frustrated…”
• Needs: Identify the unmet need causing the emotion. “I need / I want / I value…”
• Request: Make a clear, actionable request. “Would you be willing…?”

Let’s look at some examples.

Criticism: “You always come home so late! You really don’t care about spending any time with me, do you?”

Asking: “When you come home at 9:00 p.m. from work Monday through Friday, I feel sad and lonely because I’m needing more connection and quality time with you. Would you be willing to figure out together how we could spend more time during the week?”

Criticism: “Come on, we’re going to be late! You always take so long to get ready.”

Asking: “Hey, we’re running late. It’s really important to me that we get there on time because I want to respect our friends’ time. Would it be okay to finish that up on the way?”

You may be surprised by how much better your partner responds when you express your needs positively. Asking is an act of love—an invitation. It’s a way of sharing what you feel, want, need, or value so your partner has the opportunity to contribute to your well-being.

Think about how good it feels for you to nourish your partner, help them, fulfill a need, and watch them thrive. When you make a request, you’re giving your partner that same chance.

When you ask—rather than coerce, manipulate, or posture—you give the other person the freedom to say no. 

And here’s the truth: The only “yes” that is meaningful, authentic, and nourishing is a yes that could have been a no.

Expressing a need does not obligate your partner to fulfill it. They are an autonomous being with the absolute right to decline. If your partner says no, you take responsibility for your own needs and find a different way to meet them.

It is in your best interest to give others this freedom. When someone freely chooses to meet your needs—out of genuine desire, not guilt or pressure—those needs are met more fully, more effectively, and with far greater consistency.

I say this all the time: “I don’t want you to do what you genuinely don’t want to do.”

Because what you receive out of genuine desire hits differently. It lands deeper, feels richer, and creates far more intimacy.

Step 4: Think of Something You Appreciate About Your Partner

Our brains are wired to scan for the negative—for anything potentially threatening, uncomfortable, or in need of immediate change. It’s a built-in survival mechanism, and in many ways, we can be grateful for it. But when we start projecting those danger signals onto our partners, it can create real turmoil in our relationships.

This is why we must actively look for what we appreciate about our partners. If we don’t, our brains default to their programming and continue searching for fires to put out.

Earlier in this article, I shared a long list of traits and behaviors we tend to criticize. Notice that each so-called “negative” quality has a corresponding trait that could be interpreted as positive. The big hack here—the thing that truly helps stop criticism—is learning to recognize what you actually appreciate about the very behavior you’re tempted to criticize.

Let’s return to my earlier example about laziness. I learned that I wasn’t able to own my own need for rest, relaxation, or carefreeness. As I worked through that and learned to fulfill those needs myself, I started noticing how my partner’s behavior supported that part of me. Instead of focusing on the clothes on the floor, I began appreciating her playful, bubbly, adventurous personality. I appreciated the moments when she wanted to relax or play. After we split, I found myself drawn to partners who were relaxed, playful, or whimsical—because they reminded me not to take life too seriously. (We often seek out people who help us meet needs we struggle to meet on our own.)

Sometimes, something you criticize can become something you cherish—not through forced positivity, but by recognizing how their behavior may actually help you fulfill a deeper need.

When your brain understands: “This thing helps me survive → this thing is good,” your perception naturally shifts.

Stop Criticizing, Start Connecting

If there’s one truth that runs through every part of this article, it’s this: criticism almost never gets your needs met. It doesn’t create change, it doesn’t cultivate intimacy, and it certainly doesn’t inspire your partner to transform into the version of themselves you’ve imagined. In fact, trying to change your partner is one of the quickest ways to avoid solving the real problem—the one that begins inside you.

Criticism is a clever distraction. It convinces you that the solution lies “out there,” with someone else’s flaws, habits, or personality quirks. But as you’ve seen, the path out of frustration always starts with turning inward: understanding what you’re truly upset about, taking responsibility for your part in the dynamic, and recognizing how much of your reaction comes from unmet needs or unclaimed parts of yourself.

Only once you’ve done that inner work can you take the next step—actually asking for what you need. Not demanding. Not hinting. Not weaponizing disappointment. Asking. A genuine request is the only way another person can meaningfully meet your needs, because the only “yes” worth receiving is the one that could have been a “no.”

When you stop criticizing and start communicating, you create the conditions for real intimacy: clarity, compassion, responsibility, and choice. That’s where relationships thrive. That’s where needs get met. And that’s where both you and your partner can show up not as adversaries trying to win, but as teammates learning how to love each other better.

Because in the end, criticism shuts doors. Requests open them.