Why Grief Can Kill—or Intensify—Your Sexual Desire

What happens when grief changes your relationship with sex in ways you don’t expect? This article explores how loss impacts desire, intimacy, and erotic identity, helping you understand your shifting sexuality, release shame, and navigate sex with compassion during times of grief.

Far too often, we put pressure on ourselves and assume something is wrong when our sexuality changes—particularly when “issues” like low sex drive arise, passion fizzles, or concerns about erections or vulva health begin to surface. When we treat these shifts as “abnormal,” it can leave us feeling depressed, confused, or alone.

What can be even more disorienting is when these changes occur during periods of grief—when your whole world feels upside down and nothing makes sense. The experience is often compounded by the societal taboo surrounding open conversations about sexuality, especially in the context of mourning. Many people also carry guilt, shaped by unspoken expectations about how one is “supposed” to behave while grieving.

This year, I lost both my mother and stepmother. My response to grief has been different from how I’ve handled loss or major life events in the past. My sexuality is different than it was then, and different than it was even earlier this year.

The truth is that we all experience shifts, and there is nothing wrong with these evolutions. Change is inevitable. It’s normal. You are not broken or wrong for being exactly where you are—especially in grief. Today we’ll explore this under-discussed intersection between sex and mourning, and how to navigate your sexuality during times of loss.

How Does Our Sexuality Naturally Change?

Before discussing sex in the context of grief, it’s important to recognize—and normalize—that our relationship with sex is always changing. These shifts often occur in response to major life events, emotional states, health changes, or relational dynamics. A helpful model for understanding these natural fluctuations is sex educator Miss Jaiya’s Five Stages of Sexuality, which illuminate the common patterns many people move through over the course of their lives.

It’s important to note that these stages are not linear, one stage is not “better” than another, and most people move between them at different times, in different ways, and with varying intensity.

The Resting Stage

You may find yourself in this stage when your sexuality feels quiet or inactive—whether because you’re in a sexless relationship, intentionally taking a break from sex, still a virgin, or craving sexual satisfaction but choosing to cut off sexual activity.

You may long for a connection you once had or have never experienced. You may wonder what happened to your sexuality or feel a desire for deeper intimacy, passion, or closeness.

You may also choose to enter this stage. Maybe you’ve just gone through a breakup and want time before engaging sexually again. Maybe you want a pause from erotic activity—sometimes that break makes sex feel even hotter when you’re ready to return.

The Healing Stage

This stage most often appears after life-altering events, illness or injury, or emotional and psychological trauma.

It is a time to step back, acknowledge the changes in your life, understand how an event has affected your erotic vitality, and take care of your body and mind. Healing requires time, patience, and a great deal of compassion for yourself and the people around you.

If you’re experiencing grief, you are most likely in this stage, and the remainder of this article will focus on navigating this particular dimension of your sexuality.

The Curious Stage

In this stage, your focus turns toward exploration. You may be asking questions, reading books, watching videos, attending workshops, or simply looking at the erotic world with fresh curiosity. If you’ve been eagerly consuming my content lately, chances are high that you’re in this stage.

The Adventurous Stage

Here’s where the rubber meets the road. In this phase, you’re no longer just thinking about or researching your desires—you’re actively pursuing them. You may be dating, attending munches or play parties, or experimenting with new forms of play like bondage, public play, roleplay, or other “taboo” interests.

The Transformational Stage

In this stage, sexuality moves beyond the physical and becomes a form of personal integration. You begin weaving together everything you learned about yourself in previous stages—your needs, desires, boundaries, limits, values, and identity. This transformation often deepens your relationships, enhances intimacy, and clarifies how you relate to yourself and others erotically and emotionally.

If you’re experiencing grief, you’re likely in either the Resting Stage or the Healing Stage. The challenge with grief is that it’s often sudden. You don’t ease into a new sexual stage—you’re dropped into it. That abrupt shift in your sexual energy can leave you and your partners feeling confused.

What Is Grief?

Let’s take a moment to understand grief—an unfortunate but inevitable part of life. Whether it comes from the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, or any other significant life change, grief is our universal response to losing something meaningful. It’s a complex, deeply personal process that can involve a wide range of emotions, including sadness, shock, anger, confusion, and disbelief. How each person experiences grief is unique to them and to the nature of their loss.

The 5 Stages of Grief

Although everyone copes with loss differently, there are five commonly referenced stages of grief (I know—I really am out here with all the five-stage models today). These stages were first described by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying. They offer a helpful framework for understanding the thoughts, behaviors, and emotions people often experience after a loss.

As always, it’s essential to remember: not everyone moves through these stages in the same way, in the same order, or even at all.

The Denial Stage

Denial is the period when a person refuses to accept the reality of their situation. It’s not the same as failing to understand what happened—it’s a psychological defense mechanism that softens the initial shock of a painful event. A period of denial can be normal and even helpful as the mind works to gradually process a difficult truth.

The Anger Stage

Once the reality of the loss begins to sink in, anger may surface. This anger can be directed inward, outward, or toward people we believe contributed to the situation. While anger can feel harsh or even offensive to loved ones, it’s a natural and valid part of grieving.

The Bargaining Stage

As grief deepens, we often feel overwhelmed or helpless. The mind attempts to regain control through “what if” or “if only” thinking. During the bargaining stage, we try to negotiate—sometimes rationally, often irrationally—with ourselves, others, or even the universe, hoping it might ease the pain or change the outcome.

The Depression Stage

Depression in grief is characterized by sadness, hopelessness, and emotional exhaustion. While the earlier stages offer some protection from fully feeling the loss, this stage is when the emotional weight becomes unavoidable. These feelings, though painful, are a normal response to losing something or someone significant.

The Acceptance Stage

Acceptance is the point at which we begin to acknowledge the reality of the loss—not with approval or happiness, but with clarity and surrender. When we reach this stage, we stop resisting the truth of what happened. We can start directing our energy toward cherishing what we once had, integrating the experience into our life story, and making plans to move forward.

How Does Grief Affect Your Sex Life?

Grief can be a wild animal to wrestle with. It’s packed with emotions that come and go, shift and morph, sometimes without warning. Those emotional fluctuations can significantly impact your sex life. Some people experience a loss of desire due to depression, overwhelm, or stress. Others may feel an increased libido as a way to cope with emotional pain, find distraction, or seek comfort and connection through physical intimacy. Sexual activity releases endorphins and oxytocin, so it’s no surprise that some turn toward sex to soothe themselves.

What’s most important to remember is that there is no “normal” way to experience sexuality during grief. Your sexual response may feel unpredictable, contradictory, or unfamiliar—and you must be patient with yourself as you navigate these changes.

When I was in my early twenties, my mother was experiencing severe episodes of PTSD, occasionally lashing out at me. In one of those moments, she said and did things that caused a significant rupture in our relationship and left me traumatized. That same night, I had sex with my fiancée at the time. The encounter was passionate and aggressive, and afterward, I felt a heavy wave of shame. I couldn’t understand why I had craved such intense pleasure during a moment of profound emotional turmoil and loss in a close relationship. I didn’t yet understand how my sexuality was responding to grief, and I certainly didn’t feel “normal.”

At other times in my life, I’ve experienced almost complete apathy toward sex—which, for me, is highly uncharacteristic. That sudden disinterest can be jarring for both myself and partners who are used to my strong sexual drive.

There is no standard or expectation for your sexuality during grief. Your body and desires will respond in whatever way they need to. Berating or pressuring yourself will only create unnecessary suffering; it will not move you through grief any faster.

Sexual Bereavement

Sexual bereavement is a unique facet of grief and mourning that involves the loss of sexual and emotional intimacy with a partner. This can occur after the death of a loved one or during the breakup of a relationship. The rupture of this shared erotic connection can trigger the same complex emotional responses that accompany any major loss. Sexual bereavement may bring feelings of isolation, guilt, confusion, or a profound sense of disorientation around one’s sexual identity.

Because this type of grief isn’t widely acknowledged or openly discussed, many people feel their pain is somehow less legitimate or less worthy of attention. But every person grieves differently, and the loss of sexual intimacy is no less significant than any other form of loss.

Validating the sexual aspect of your grief does not diminish the love, memories, or emotional connection you may be mourning. Instead, it allows you to fully acknowledge the multifaceted nature of your loss—which is essential for understanding your own grief process and healing in an honest, integrated way.

How to Navigate Sex During Grief

Here’s the truth: navigating sex during grief isn’t fundamentally different from navigating sex during times of joy or celebration—but it feels much harder.

All the principles I often write about still apply: honest, open communication; expressing your needs; letting go of shame and judgment around your sexuality. The difference is that during grief, the emotional intensity is higher and your capacity to meet that intensity is often much lower.

It’s also important to remember that grief is not linear and it doesn’t follow a predictable timeline. It varies widely from person to person—and even within your own life. Trying to follow a step-by-step process that worked for someone else, or even one that worked for you in the past, is likely to feel frustrating and unhelpful.

Instead, let’s explore a few grounding principles you can rely on during this time of uncertainty.

Acknowledge There Is No “Normal”

I’m really trying to drive this point home, because without fail, either you or someone close to you will have opinions about how you should be grieving—how you should feel, how fast you should be moving, how “appropriate” or “inappropriate” your sexual behavior is.

Yes, you can be mindful that your choices have consequences for yourself and others. But you are not required to grieve in any particular way.

That said, for your long-term mental and emotional health, it’s not wise to avoid your grief indefinitely. Whatever gets buried and locked away does not stay buried. But taking your grief slowly, gently, and in manageable pieces is completely acceptable—and sometimes exactly what you need.

Meet Yourself Where You Are

Grief will take you through a wide spectrum of emotions. When possible, I find it best to sit with those emotions rather than push them aside. Of course, this isn’t always feasible the moment they arise—you still have responsibilities, deadlines, people to care for, and life to manage.

In the weeks immediately following my mother’s passing, I was responsible for her arrangements and mediating family dynamics. Sometimes I’d be in the middle of a phone call, making decisions, handling logistics—and suddenly a wave of sorrow would hit. Whenever I could, I finished what needed to be done and then gave myself space to cry, sometimes to the point of full-body contractions. Yes, this occasionally disrupted my ability to work or focus on other obligations, but it was far healthier than stuffing my emotions down and pretending they didn’t need attention.

The same process applied to sex. Sometimes I didn’t want any; other times I did. Sometimes I didn’t feel very “Dommy,” or my body didn’t respond the way it normally would. All of that is okay. Instead of viewing these changes as problems, try listening to what your body and emotions are communicating—they are incredibly intelligent at signaling what you need.

Sitting With Intense Emotions

Sitting with grief in the moment can be difficult, but it’s a skill you can practice and prepare for. This practice is helpful not only for grief, but for any strong emotion that leaves you feeling ungrounded. It also applies to intense positive emotions—excitement, desire, or anticipation—which can be just as dysregulating as sorrow.

First, you must learn how to be present with your emotions, specifically the sensations they create in your body, separated from the stories you assign to them. This requires cultivating awareness (noticing what’s happening) and presence (staying in the moment). It takes practice—consistent, repeated practice. Every emotion must be felt fully, especially the ones you’d rather not feel.

When you combine this skill with strong self-esteem, you begin to realize that emotions don’t change who you are at your core. The pain doesn’t destroy you. You are okay—even when everything around you feels chaotic.

Learning to be with intense emotions—especially those triggered by someone or something—helps you recognize that they are simply energy and sensation. You don’t need to attach a narrative to them. This can be challenging because when you’re believing a story about an emotion—such as blaming someone else—it becomes hard to feel the raw emotion directly.

Intense Emotions Practice

1. To the best of your ability, separate the thoughts and stories from the emotional energy itself.
2. Invite the emotional energy closer. Notice the sensations it creates in your body.
3. Feel the raw emotion directly—whether it’s joy, excitement, anger, fear, desire, or frustration.
4. Let it pulse and surge through you as it wants to express itself. Don’t cling to it and don’t push it away.
5. Neither own nor deny the emotion. Find the balanced middle ground where it can move freely without getting stuck.
6. If you begin to grasp onto the emotion or it feels stuck, a story or belief has taken hold. Set that story aside and return to the sensation.
7. When the emotion feels fully felt, ground yourself by doing a mindful body scan and reconnecting with the present moment.

With practice, you can move through this entire process in just a few minutes, even in moments when you feel triggered or overwhelmed. Making space for this practice helps ensure you’re not bottling emotions or avoiding them—and allows your grief to move through you rather than accumulate inside you.

Communicate With Your Partners

Everything I teach comes down to this: tell your partner your needs, desires, boundaries, and limits. I don’t care what side of the Dom/sub slash you fall on. I don’t care if you’re monogamous or nonmonogamous. I don’t care what life situation you’re currently navigating. The only way you will truly get your needs met is if you speak up for them.

Grief will almost certainly shift your needs, desires, boundaries, and limits. You’ll need to communicate those changes with your partners as they arise—especially if you want their support, need to ask for grace, or simply need space from them. Even if you and your partner are grieving the same loss, you may find yourselves on opposite ends of the spectrum in how you’re affected sexually and emotionally.

That said, this is not going to be easy. Expressing your needs—and the emotions surrounding them—is an act of vulnerability. There is always the risk of rejection or loss. Doing this while grieving can feel like walking toward your partner with an open wound and no armor, exposing yourself to even greater emotional intensity. If you have a history of attachment disturbances, the pull toward old patterns of avoidance or anxiety may feel even stronger.

This is why it’s crucial that you and your partners practice the art of difficult conversations. Ideally, you’ve already been building this skill together, creating a safe container where conversations about grief won't feel as overwhelming. We cannot predict when tragedy will strike, but we can prepare ourselves and our relationships for when it does.

And above all—have patience and grace with yourself. You won’t always communicate perfectly, often because you’re not fully sure what you’re feeling or what you need. That’s okay. The point is to be transparent about that uncertainty.

Don’t Feel Guilty Asking for Help

Everyone has experienced loss—maybe not the same loss as you, but they know what it feels like to grieve. Grief is a massive emotion, and it can feel like a weight far too heavy to carry alone. In my experience, people are incredibly understanding and more willing to help than you might imagine. But if you’re one of those high-achieving, I’ll-handle-it-myself types, asking for or accepting help can feel deeply uncomfortable.

What helped me was not relying too heavily on any one person. Instead, I distributed my need for emotional support across many people—especially those who proactively offered it. Far too often, we expect our partner to be our sole source of emotional support, forgetting that friends and family exist for that purpose too. When I was grieving intensely after my mother’s passing, I rotated who I talked to about my grief each day. That way, each person supported just one small piece rather than absorbing the full weight of my emotions. I didn’t feel like I was burdening anyone, and they were able to support me within their own limits.

Doing this also allowed me to meet other aspects of my grief—like the sexual dimension—with partners who were best equipped to hold that space. They weren’t burnt out from carrying all of my grief, which made them more emotionally available for the parts of the process only they could support.

Of course, if communication feels overwhelming or you’re struggling to cope, consider speaking with a grief counselor or therapist. Their support can provide structure, stability, and guidance during an emotionally chaotic time.

This Too Shall Pass

When you’re in the middle of grief, it can feel endless. If your sexuality feels “off,” you may start believing that something is permanently broken—that you’ll never return to what was familiar or pleasurable. But that belief comes from seeing your emotions, your experiences, and even your sexuality as static states.

Nothing in life stays the same.

In time, your grief will shift, and your sexuality will shift with it—moving from Rest or Healing into one of the other stages. Your sex life will find its natural equilibrium again as you move through the grieving process. Fighting the process only prolongs your suffering. Letting yourself move with it allows you to receive the benefits that grief, for all its pain, can bring: clarity of values, self-discovery, deeper relationships, clearing old grievances, and more.

Your sexuality is not broken. It’s evolving. And as you move through grief, it will evolve again.

Let Yourself Be Human

Grief changes us—emotionally, mentally, and yes, sexually. It can feel disorienting, shameful, or even frightening when your desires shift, vanish, or surge in ways you don’t expect. But nothing you’re experiencing is wrong. Nothing about you is broken. This is what it means to be human in the presence of loss.

As you move through grief, remember the principles we’ve explored. Honor the stage you’re in rather than comparing it to anyone else’s experience.

You don’t need to fix anything. You don’t need to rush. Your sexuality will ebb, flow, quiet down, or flare up as your body and heart adjust to the weight of what you’ve lost. Let it move. Let you move.

And trust this: grief won’t always feel like this. The intensity will soften. Your desires will evolve. Your sense of self will start to reassemble in new ways. With patience, honesty, and compassion for yourself, you’ll find your intimate life shifting again—toward curiosity, connection, pleasure, and meaning.

For now, simply take the next gentle step. Stay present with your experience. Allow your grief and your sexuality to coexist. And give yourself permission to be exactly where you are as you find your way through.