How to Support BDSM & Sexual Partners with Trauma

How can you support a partner with trauma while exploring sex or BDSM safely and lovingly? Learn trauma-informed ways to build trust, create emotional safety, and help your partner reconnect with their body, pleasure, and power.

It’s unfortunate that trauma is so prevalent in our modern age. It can make life difficult not only for the person who experienced it but also for those who wish to engage with that person intimately—especially in sex or BDSM, where triggers can be heightened.

Today, I want to better equip the latter group, because they are often forgotten yet can be deeply beneficial in supporting a partner with trauma. This is not advice about using kink or BDSM to heal trauma—although, with careful intention, it may help support the healing process. Nor is it a guide to navigating your own trauma, though you may find some self-awareness in these practices. Instead, this is about how to support and care for partners who have experienced trauma.

What’s important here is being prepared if you do engage in BDSM with someone who has trauma, so you can reduce the risk of retraumatization, promote healing and capacity-building, and help them reconnect with pleasure.

What Is Trauma

Trauma refers to a deeply distressing or overwhelming experience that significantly impacts a person’s emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. It can result from a single incident or a cumulative process that builds over time, threatening or violating a person’s sense of safety, self, or worldview. Trauma can stem from a wide range of experiences—including physical abuse, neglect, witnessing violence, loss, or even subtle disruptions in early childhood development.

What’s crucial about trauma is not so much the event itself but what happens inside you as a result—the emotional impact, the physiological response, and the meaning you assign to the experience. Trauma is a wound that leaves a lasting scar, affecting how a person experiences the world, interacts with others, and regulates emotions.

How Trauma May Manifest in BDSM

Before discussing how trauma might show up in BDSM, it’s important to clarify that simply having an interest in BDSM does not mean someone has trauma. There isn’t a significant causal link between the two—rather, there’s a complex interplay and correlation. For some survivors, BDSM can serve as a tool for healing; for others, it may trigger retraumatization. BDSM itself is not inherently rooted in trauma, and many practitioners have no history of abuse whatsoever.

That said, some individuals in the BDSM community do carry trauma—just as people in any lifestyle might—and it can be helpful to recognize potential signs. It’s essential not to pathologize behavior, since many of these expressions can also be normal personality traits. Always approach with curiosity about the person, rather than judgment or assumption.

Possible manifestations of trauma include:

• Hypersexual or asexual responses: Trauma can influence the degree of sexual engagement a person desires within BDSM.
• Difficulty with aftercare needs: Some may struggle to articulate, assert, or accept their aftercare preferences, and may require extended periods of time to feel regulated.
• Projection of past relationships: Trauma from previous relationships can cause a person to misinterpret familiar patterns or see threats where none exist.
• Sensory overload or aversion: Trauma can heighten sensitivity and vigilance in certain environments, situations, or types of play.
• Difficulty with vulnerability in intimacy: Trauma may create barriers to trust, leading someone to avoid, misread, or overattach in emotional closeness.
• Trauma bonding: If a relationship or scene mirrors how a survivor once experienced love, they may mistake unhealthy or abusive dynamics for genuine care.
• Hyperfocus on a partner’s reactions: Heightened vigilance may cause a person to monitor a partner’s expressions or body language excessively, driven by fear of disapproval or harm.
• Discomfort with restraint: Play involving bondage or confinement may cause panic, unease, or feelings of entrapment.
• Emotional overload: Certain scenarios or types of play may trigger intense emotional responses—such as crying, anger, or shutdowns—that may not be directly related to the scene itself.
• Need for routine in dynamics: To manage uncertainty or anxiety stemming from past chaos, trauma survivors may require structured, predictable, and clearly defined interactions.

How Trauma Impacts Pleasure

When it comes to pleasure in sex or BDSM, trauma can deeply affect how a person experiences and perceives themselves. Some may feel shame or guilt about their desires—especially if those desires are connected to past trauma—believing they are “broken” or reinforcing internalized victimization.

On a physical level, trauma may lead to difficulties with arousal or sensation, such as numbness, dissociation, or an inability to orgasm. Others might struggle to remain present in their bodies during pleasure, oscillating between wanting connection and fearing it.

How Trauma Impacts Power Exchange

In power exchange dynamics, trauma can create internal conflict around enjoying certain roles. Personally, I’ve had to work through anxiety about embracing my Dominant role, fearing I might become an abuser. Submissives may experience similar hesitation, associating surrender with powerlessness or past betrayal by authority figures.

Building trust between roles can therefore require additional care and time. Because power exchange inherently involves control, either side may fear losing control or being placed in uncertain, potentially triggering situations.

How Trauma Impacts Negotiation

When communicating or negotiating in BDSM, trauma survivors may struggle to clearly express or enforce boundaries. This might manifest as difficulty articulating needs, giving vague responses, or claiming to have “no limits.” Others may engage in people-pleasing, avoiding discomfort or conflict by agreeing to a partner’s desires while disregarding their own in an attempt to gain approval.

Conversely, trauma can also manifest as aggression toward boundaries—becoming angry, defensive, or hostile when told “no.” Both expressions stem from fear: fear of rejection, abandonment, or losing control.

How to Support a Partner with Trauma

Now let’s talk about how you can support and empower your partner during sex or BDSM if they’ve experienced past trauma.

I use the word support very deliberately here. You’re not here to “fix” them. There is nothing inherently wrong with them. In fact, trying to fix them only reinforces the narrative they may already believe—that they are broken, weird, less than, or incapable. Your role is to support them through whatever healing they choose to undertake for themselves. Creating safety and support does not mean managing their emotions or dictating how they should respond.

This philosophy is influenced by Carl Rogers’ person-centered therapy, which emphasizes each person’s inherent capacity for self-understanding and growth, empowering them to lead their own healing process. Those who have experienced trauma have often suffered a sudden loss of agency, so it’s crucial to help them regain it by allowing them to drive their own healing.

Second, remember that both of you are responsible for your own responses to trauma. You are responsible for your actions—how you offer support or, unintentionally, how you might exacerbate the trauma. Likewise, the person with trauma is responsible for their own healing and for the consequences of their actions when triggered. When this mutual understanding is in place, true support can occur, because neither partner becomes overly dependent on the other emotionally or psychologically. In other words, support happens within healthy limits.

With those understandings in mind, let’s explore how you can support your partner at each stage of their healing journey—because not every stage requires the same kind of support.

The most common model for understanding the stages of trauma recovery includes four phases:

1. Safety and Stabilization: Establishing safety and learning to regulate emotions.
2. Remembrance and Mourning: Processing and grieving the traumatic event.
3. Reconnection and Integration: Reconnecting with oneself, personal values, and others.
4. Consolidation and Resolution: Integrating the experience and applying learned coping skills to live more fully.

These stages are not rigid or strictly linear—especially when trauma manifests in multiple ways. A person may heal and manage certain aspects of their trauma effectively, yet find other parts resurfacing in new or unfamiliar situations. Healing, like intimacy, is a process of continual discovery and adjustment.

Stage 1: Safety & Stabilization

After trauma first occurs, the initial focus of healing is establishing a sense of safety and stability. However, it’s unlikely you’ll be present during those early stages. More often, you’ll encounter your partner’s trauma later—when a memory is triggered and resurfaces in the present.

Traumatic memories are often encoded as fragmented implicit memories rather than coherent explicit narratives. During a traumatic event, amygdala activation overrides hippocampal function, causing memories to be stored as sensory fragments and intense emotional states, rather than organized stories with context or sequence.

High levels of adrenaline and other stress hormones also impair the prefrontal cortex, limiting one’s ability to process or verbalize the experience. As a result, memories are stored as isolated, easily triggered sensations that can feel as though they’re happening right now.

When a sensory element of the trauma is re-experienced, it can activate the entire “fear structure” associated with the original event, leading to a flashback that feels immediate and real.

When this occurs, you might observe the following responses:

• Fight: A protective response that manifests as anger, confrontation, or an attempt to control in order to feel safe.
• Flight: A fear-driven reaction characterized by avoidance, overthinking, or staying constantly on alert.
• Freeze: A shutdown response marked by numbness, silence, or the inability to act.
• Fawn: A survival strategy of pleasing others to avoid conflict, often at the expense of personal needs or boundaries.
• Fiend: A coping pattern driven by thrill-seeking, craving, or risky behavior to escape discomfort or pain.

Why This Matters for Sex or BDSM

The brain constantly conserves energy by reinforcing existing mental models and seeking confirmation of perceived patterns. Unfortunately, when those models are built on trauma, triggering them can lead to unintended associations or retraumatization. Engaging in BDSM or sexual activities while in a distressed state can therefore create negative associations between the trauma and sex, inhibiting pleasure.

A good example of this is the feedback loop of sexual performance anxiety. When something—such as a traumatic trigger—causes stress or anxiety, the body may be unable to perform sexually (e.g., difficulty maintaining an erection or achieving orgasm, regardless of gender). The more this occurs, the more the brain reinforces the stress response, making sexual function even harder to achieve in the future.

The key is to create safety and stabilization when these triggers arise. Safety precedes pleasure—both physically and emotionally. This applies to all genders. Far too often, men equate safety only with the physical and disregard their emotional safety, which can lead to negative associations with sex and the very performance issues described above.

Regulation Strategies

To help create safety and stabilization, you can engage in regulation strategies with your partner. These techniques support grounding, presence, and co-regulation between partners.

• Anchoring: The use of intentional physical, mental, or sensory cues to help someone stay present and connected. For example, I often place a hand on a partner’s chest and say, “Breathe,” to anchor them in the moment.
• Movement: Encourage the body to shake, walk, stretch, dance, or sway. Movement helps release built-up energy and supports self-organization without forcing stillness when stillness feels unsafe.
• Rocking: Gently move the body back and forth or side to side in a slow, smooth rhythm. This mimics natural self-soothing behaviors and can promote regulation through predictability and comfort.
• Orienting: Look around and name what can be perceived with the five senses—what you see, hear, taste, smell, and touch. Orientation reminds the person of where and who they are, which is especially useful when play involves role, identity, or power exchange.
• Sensory Engagement: Use textured objects (such as flogger tails or fabrics) to invite awareness through touch. Ask how it feels, or offer something weighted or textured to hold. This reinforces agency and sensuality during regulation.
  
• Breathing: Breathwork regulates the nervous system—either calming or energizing, depending on need. Guiding your partner’s breathing while matching your own can create rhythm and solidarity.
• Music: Rhythmic, lyric-free music with predictable beats (such as lo-fi) can anchor attention and help maintain presence. It provides something steady to focus on during moments of overarousal.
• Pendulation: Focus attention on an area of discomfort, then shift to a neutral or pleasant area of the body. Move back and forth between the two, allowing the nervous system to find balance.
• Body Scanning: Bring awareness slowly to different parts of the body to notice sensations without judgment. This practice later enhances awareness of pleasure and helps intensify positive sensations.
• Body Compression: Gentle holding or firm pressure can calm the nervous system, enhance body awareness, and promote relaxation.

What’s most important is to ask and determine with your partner which strategies work best for them—and to use those consistently. Helping them regulate associates you with safety, allowing them to feel more at ease, which lays the foundation for deeper pleasure and intimacy.

Here’s some questions that can be helpful:

• What makes you feel emotionally and physically safe?
• Are there known trauma responses or triggers we should be aware of?
• How do you prefer these moments to be handled in real time?
• What are your signs of distress (e.g., freezing, dissociation, shutting down)?
• Are there grounding tools, objects, or rituals that help you return to safety?
• How should we navigate dissociation, silence, or emotional withdrawal during a scene?
• How do you want us to handle moments of confusion, shutdown, or emotional intensity?
• Is there a backup plan if either of us becomes dysregulated?
• What are your needs around repair after a misunderstanding or misstep?

Stage 2: Remembrance and Mourning

The focus of this stage is acknowledging and processing traumatic memories and the emotions associated with them. Most of this work will be undertaken by your partner—often with the support of a therapist or other professional.

During this time, your partner is especially vulnerable. They’re actively engaging with their trauma and trying to make sense of it. How you respond—in conversations about their trauma or in moments when their triggers surface—can either accelerate their healing or cause them to withdraw.

A beneficial approach is to meet them with curiosity, openness, and nonjudgment, while treating them as a person inherently worthy of care and love. This means asking genuine questions without expecting answers. It means listening to their story without pathologizing, blaming, or judging. It means reminding them that they are safe, loved, and deserving of both.

This is especially important when the trauma intersects with sexuality or BDSM expression, as these are often the most vulnerable areas to explore due to the shame that can surround them. You can support their vulnerability by helping them work through that shame—creating space for acceptance and compassion rather than secrecy or suppression.

Just as importantly, allow your partner to feel whatever arises—without judgment or interference. Don’t tell them what they should or shouldn’t feel. Don’t try to fix, diminish, or change their emotional state. Sometimes, during sex or BDSM play, catharsis occurs: the body releases stored emotion through movement or intense sensation, which can lead to tears, trembling, laughter, or even rage.

When this happens, check in gently. Ask if transitioning to aftercare might help them feel grounded and safe again. Sometimes, simply being present and steady—without needing to do anything—is the greatest act of support you can offer.

Stage 3: Reconnecting and Integrating

In this stage, your partner begins restoring connection to their sense of self, values, and relationships. It’s less about the grounding tools discussed in Stage 1 and more about capacity building—developing the ability to handle stronger emotions and experiences without becoming overwhelmed.

At this point, your partner can feel more without losing control or shutting down. They’re learning resilience—the ability to bounce back from challenges—and, most importantly, they’re re-engaging with activities that bring them joy and pleasure.

Expanding Agency

The crucial area of support here is helping your partner reclaim agency. One of my favorite ways to do this—especially with submissives—is by empowering them to be more assertive and to strengthen their “no.”

This can begin with conversations about boundaries and limits. Encourage open dialogue by explicitly inviting them to share what their limits are—especially if they initially say they don’t have any (everyone does). If verbal discussions feel intimidating, tools like a sex menu or Dom/sub contract can help. Putting things in writing gives them space to use their voice safely and thoughtfully, without the immediate pressure of face-to-face discussion.

Another helpful practice is consensually engaging in activities that allow them to rehearse saying no.

• A gentle version of this is the Three-Minute Game: you make requests to do actions you know they’ll want to refuse, giving them repeated opportunities to say no and become more comfortable with it.
• A variation of this can be used to practice safewords, especially if your partner struggles to believe they’re “allowed” to use them.

For a more advanced version, you can play near their limits, slowly approaching their edge and allowing them time to notice their bodily responses. When they say “no,” “stop,” or use a safeword, everything stops immediately. This reinforces the embodied belief that their no has power—that their limits will be respected by safe, consensual partners.

As with all forms of play, these activities should be discussed and agreed upon in advance, with a clear plan in case a trauma response occurs. If your partner is working with a therapist, consider scheduling a follow-up session within a few days after the scene to help them process what may have surfaced or to support them through subdrop.

When you’re supporting your partner, it’s important to keep both of you within the window of tolerance—the zone where the nervous system feels balanced, neither in hyperarousal (heightened activation) nor hypoarousal (shutdown).

Within this window, your partner can remain grounded, present, and capable of handling emotional challenges without becoming flooded or disconnected. They can think clearly, feel deeply without drowning in their emotions, and stay connected to themselves and to you.

Just as importantly, you need to regulate your own nervous system. You cannot support another person effectively if your own system is lit up like a Christmas tree. When both partners are regulated, intimacy deepens and safety expands.

A word of caution: Individuals adapt to trauma in different ways. Some people have developed expansive windows of tolerance out of sheer necessity. They may appear calm under stress, thrive in high-intensity situations, and seem as though nothing rattles them. This ability to endure can easily be mistaken for emotional strength or stability—but it can also mask exhaustion or disconnection.

These individuals need support, too—often the kind that’s quiet, patient, and consistent. Gently continue to offer your presence. They may not always accept it, but knowing that safety and care are available can be deeply healing in itself.

Expanding Pleasure

Another area where you can offer support at this stage is helping your partner reconnect with their body. Trauma can create a disconnect from physical sensations because being aware of the body may once have felt unsafe. If your partner has been doing the work of healing through the earlier stages, they may now feel more open to being present in their body. However, it’s vital not to rush this process, as pushing too quickly can cause them to shut down. Always let them lead their own healing.

At first, invite your partner to focus simply on the feeling of pleasurable sensations in their body—not just during sex or self-pleasure, but throughout daily life. The goal is to help them regularly notice and savor what feels good at any given moment.

To cultivate this awareness, I recommend pleasure-seeking body scans:

1. Start in whatever position you’re currently in and take a few slow, deep breaths.
2. Beginning at your feet, slowly move your awareness upward through your body, noticing the sensations in each area.
3. If you encounter discomfort or tension, explore how you might move or reposition yourself to make it more pleasurable.
4. When you notice pleasurable sensations, spend time really feeling into them and amplifying them.

Throughout the day, we experience hundreds of pleasurable sensations yet fail to recognize them—the fuzzy blanket, the warm stream of water, the cold ice cube melting in a warm mouth, the gentle brush of clothing against the skin. Learning to notice and appreciate these sensations begins re-establishing safety and connection with the body.

If this feels challenging, I recommend Betty Martin’s “Waking Up Your Hands” exercise, which helps you rediscover how pleasurable simple touch can be.

You can also deepen bodily pleasure through movement. The body thrives when it moves regularly—it was designed to move. This doesn’t have to mean regimented exercise; in fact, playful, expressive movement is often more effective. Think dancing, yoga, stretching, walking, or leisurely strolls in the park. The key is to do what feels best in your body, not what burns the most calories.

Here’s an exercise to help discover movements that feel good: Set aside 20 minutes in a private space where you won’t be seen or judged. Begin to move your body however it wants to move—freely, instinctively, without overthinking. When you feel an urge to move, follow it immediately. If your body wants to make noise, let it. Don’t analyze or control—just respond. Continue for the full 20 minutes, simply listening to your body and allowing it to express itself. You’ll naturally begin doing only the movements that bring you pleasure.

Once your partner has become attuned to their body, you can begin to shift focus toward pleasure in the bedroom. A powerful tool for this is Sensate Focus, a structured practice designed to eliminate performance pressure and reduce sexual anxiety. During this practice, the focus remains entirely on noticing and savoring pleasurable sensations rather than on achieving orgasm or “doing it right.”

Sensate Focus can be practiced solo, but it’s especially powerful with a trusted partner because it builds both trust and safety. Set aside 30 to 60 minutes of uninterrupted time, two to three times per week, to practice the following stages:

Sensate Focus Practice:

• Stage 1 – Non-Genital Sensual Touch: Explore your partner’s body using only your hands and fingers while avoiding the genitals. Focus on curiosity and sensation.
• Stage 2 – Sensual Touch (Including Genitals): Continue exploring the pleasurable areas identified in Stage 1. You may now include the genitals, but avoid stimulation intended to reach orgasm.
• Stage 3 – Adding Lotion or Lubricant: Introduce lotion or lubricant to enhance friction and sensation. Changing the medium of touch increases sensory awareness and variation in texture.
• Stage 4 – Full Sensual Stimulation: In this final stage, you may include stimulation that leads toward orgasm, but maintain a sensual, mindful pace. Encourage your partner to stay present with each sensation and emotion as it arises.

As you engage in these activities, encourage your partner to express themselves freely—through sound, movement, breath, or words. Whatever wants to emerge, let it. This freedom reminds them that it’s safe to be and to express—something trauma often teaches people they cannot do.

Reinforce this safety through affirming praise. Let your partner know you welcome and enjoy their full expression, that it’s not only acceptable but deeply desired. When they feel both unjudged and celebrated, their capacity for pleasure expands—and so does the intimacy between you.

Stage 4: Consolidation and Resolution

The fourth stage centers on consolidating the skills and insights gained during the trauma recovery process. At this point, your partner is able to move beyond their trauma—drawing on coping skills when necessary, but no longer allowing the trauma to lead their life.

This is the stage of rewriting narratives. Your partner has reframed their story, integrating the experiences in a way that fosters empowerment and meaning. To support them here, focus on reaffirming their new narrative and encouraging them to continue the practices that keep them grounded, regulated, and connected to pleasure.

Help them celebrate how far they’ve come, not by pretending the past never happened, but by recognizing that it no longer defines them. Your presence can reinforce this sense of strength and self-trust—a reflection that they are no longer merely surviving, but thriving.

Bonus: Further Resources

If supporting people with trauma is something you’re deeply interested in, here are a few resources I highly recommend:

• Trauma-Informed Consensual Kink – The best framework I’ve encountered for understanding and supporting those with trauma within BDSM and kink.
• The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture – A compelling exploration of how trauma—both large and small—pervades modern life and shapes our emotional and physical well-being.‍
• Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair – Trauma often creates insecure attachment patterns; this book provides the most systematic and effective protocols I’ve found for repairing them.
• PESI – Offers numerous courses, workshops, and seminars on trauma-informed modalities. These are excellent for developing supportive practices. (I’m currently taking one on somatics, a field that explores the body’s internal sensations, perceptions, and experiences.)
• NAMI Family Support Groups – Peer-led support groups that connect you with others who are supporting loved ones through trauma. Hearing others’ strategies and stories can be invaluable in shaping your own approach.

From Surviving to Thriving

Supporting a partner with trauma—especially within the context of sex or BDSM—isn’t about fixing them or rescuing them. It’s about creating the conditions where healing, safety, and pleasure can coexist. By understanding the stages of trauma recovery, you learn how to meet your partner where they are: offering stability when they feel unsafe, presence when they need to process, space when they begin to reclaim agency, and celebration when they integrate their growth.

The most powerful thing you can do is honor their pace and their process. Healing is not linear—it unfolds in layers, and each layer deserves compassion rather than control. The more you model regulation, patience, and unconditional acceptance, the more you reinforce that it’s safe for your partner to be in their body, to explore their pleasure, and to trust connection again.

At its best, BDSM is a practice of conscious power exchange—a dance of surrender and control that, when handled with care, can become a vessel for profound healing. When safety and consent form the foundation, pleasure becomes not just an act of desire but an act of reclamation.

And that is the deepest gift you can offer: to stand beside your partner, grounded and open, as they transform their pain into power—and rediscover the full spectrum of who they are.