BDSM Protocols Explained: Low, Medium, and High Protocol Made Practical

‍What are BDSM Protocols, and how do you use them without overwhelming your relationship? This guide breaks down protocols, levels of protocol, and how to design a flexible structure that keeps your Dom/sub dynamic alive in real life.

For a couple first getting into a Dom/sub relationship, there is often a desire—on at least one side—to put structure in place. The Dominant needs mechanisms through which he can enable his authority, and the submissive is asking for clear expectations for her behavior. Sometimes, an eager couple gets lost in fantasy versions of D/s and goes into a frenzy of creating dozens of rules without much thought for how they will actually function in practice. Inevitably, the dynamic crashes and burns, resentment builds around the idea of rules altogether, and they swear never to try it again.

One of the more confusing parts of this process is the practice of protocols. I’ll admit, it took me quite a while to fully understand how protocols are used and how they differ from rules. As we’ll see in a moment, the word protocol is often used interchangeably with other BDSM practices, which only adds to the confusion. Like many people, I was only vaguely aware of “high protocol,” and it seemed wildly unrealistic when confronted with the realities of everyday life. So I stuffed protocols into the mental bucket labeled “I don’t need this” and went on my way.

That worked—until it didn’t.

When I began using rules more seriously in my relationships, I discovered that there were moments when more structure was needed, and moments when less structure was necessary, in order to maintain stability in the power exchange. Rules alone couldn’t always handle that nuance. So I had to pull protocols back out of that dusty bucket and actually understand how they functioned. To help you avoid the same mistakes, I’m going to walk you through a few mental models for understanding protocols and the process of establishing them in your own Dom/sub dynamic.

What Is Protocol in BDSM?

If you ask people in the community what protocol is, you’re likely to get wildly different answers. That ambiguity is what confused me in the first place, so let me help you sort through it by sharing the mental model I use. This isn’t the end-all, be-all definition—it’s simply a framework that makes protocols usable in real relationships.

Protocol is often used interchangeably with rules. When people use the term this way, they’re pointing to the fact that power exchange relationships rely on a governing structure of behavioral expectations established by the Dominant to guide and control the dynamic.

That said, I personally keep rules and protocols distinct. To clarify the overall structure, I prefer to think in terms of a Code of Conduct, which helps differentiate between rules, protocols, and other elements of the dynamic.

In this model, protocols are not just general expectations for behavior. Instead, they are behaviors tied to a specific time, place, or context that temporarily modify everyday behavior within the dynamic. In other words, protocols function as if/then scenarios that override or adjust existing rules or rituals.

For example, while honorifics like Sir might normally be used in private at home, if you are out in public, then they are not used.

To understand how protocols relate to other elements, here’s how I structure my Code of Conduct:

1. Commands: Direct, immediate statements from the Dominant that take first priority. Commands supersede assignments, protocols, rituals, and rules. The submissive is expected to drop everything and comply.
2. Assignments / Tasks: Specific tasks issued by the Dominant to improve the dynamic or train the submissive. These are often one-off or short-term actions that don’t warrant becoming a formal or ongoing protocol, ritual, or rule.
3. Protocols: Not to be confused with the overarching “Protocol” structure, these are if/then scenarios that temporarily modify existing rules or rituals. Example: “If among vanilla friends, I will not use honorifics.” Protocols apply only within that specific context.
4. Rituals: Devoted routines designed to enhance the emotional and psychological aspects of the relationship. Rituals create meaningful moments, reinforce the dynamic, and deepen the bond between Dominant and submissive.
5. Iron Rules: Foundational, formal, and concrete directives that rarely change. These serve as anchors for the submissive’s behavior and represent the most unshakable duties of their role.

This hierarchy provides both flexibility and stability. Iron Rules form the unchanging foundation—the submissive knows that following them will always make the Dominant proud. Commands, by contrast, are fluid, situational, and temporary. They allow the Dominant to steer the dynamic in real time and override other structures when necessary.

For instance, a protocol might override a rule in a specific situation, while a command overrides everything—because in that moment, the Dominant knows what best serves the dynamic.

Low vs. Medium vs. High Protocol

What often becomes confusing at first is the idea of varying levels of protocol. You can think of these like a volume dial on a radio: turning up the volume increases the amount of D/s elements being observed in a given situation.

If we understand protocols as if/then scenarios, it quickly becomes unmanageable to anticipate every possible context you might encounter.

You start wondering: “How do we behave at Aunt Becky’s house? What about when I go to the doctor? What do we do at the munch? At a play party? Around my close friends? What if I really want to feel Dominant or submissive that day? I have to work all day on Tuesdays—what do we do then?”

In short: how do you make a Dom/sub relationship actually work in real life?

Rather than dictating specific behaviors for every conceivable scenario, it’s far more effective to group expectations into levels of protocol, each with a prescribed intensity of behavior that can be assigned to different situations. For example, at home you might use medium protocol; in public, low protocol; and for a special event or scene, high protocol.

Your specific protocol levels will be unique to your dynamic, but these are the most common ones I see:

• No Protocol: Almost zero elements of the dynamic are being observed. This can be useful for establishing clear boundaries around when and where the dynamic is active, especially for those who want only a partial power exchange.
• Invisible Protocol: Sometimes grouped together with low protocol, invisible protocol focuses on discretion in vanilla spaces or around vanilla people—including children—so that outsiders are completely unaware of your dynamic. For example, waist, wrist, or ankle jewelry might be used in place of a formal collar or even a day collar.
• Low Protocol: Casual behavior that still follows the agreed-upon Code of Conduct. The submissive remains respectful and obedient, but without formality or overt demonstrations of power exchange. This level is most often used in public vanilla settings or around family or friends who are not aware of your dynamic.
• Medium Protocol: Generally represents your everyday expectations, rituals, and formalities. Medium protocol is typically observed in private spaces or among people who would consent to witnessing D/s behavior, such as at a BDSM event. What counts as low, medium, or high is relative to each dynamic, but this level often includes the use of honorifics, dress codes (or intentional lack thereof), furniture use, and restrictions around speech or eye contact.
• High Protocol: Strict formal etiquette, usually reserved for high-protocol kink events or limited, intentional periods of time. There is an extreme emphasis on movement, posture, speech, eye contact, and behavior. These rules are typically very restrictive and emphasize the submissive’s role, while also placing corresponding expectations on the Dominant to behave with equal intentionality and discipline.
• Emergency Protocol: Used when an emergency arises and overrides all other protocol levels. This is particularly important in power exchange dynamics where the Dominant may hold significant decision-making authority and suddenly becomes unable to exercise it due to injury or incapacitation.

Why have levels at all? The principle is the same one that applies to everyday behavior: using your fingers is perfectly acceptable for a 2 a.m. kebab, but it might raise some eyebrows in an upscale restaurant. Allowing protocol to adapt to different contexts lets the dynamic be expressed across a wide range of situations—while remaining appropriate, sustainable, and grounded in reality.

Why Protocol Matters

When you create a D/s dynamic, you do so with a purpose. The Dominant and submissive come together to establish a shared set of values and goals they wish to achieve through their dynamic. This purpose might be as simple as helping each other meet needs and desires—or as profound as using the relationship as a vehicle to build a shared life and grow in ways neither could alone.

When a Code of Conduct is created, its rules and behaviors are not arbitrary. They represent a mutual agreement that these specific practices will help both partners realize their values, reach their goals, and fulfill the deeper purpose of their dynamic.

With that level of intention, you don’t want the dynamic to disappear just because you have to leave the house and engage in everyday life. Protocols allow formality to be relaxed while maintaining a consistent pulse of the Dom/sub dynamic—felt anywhere, at any time. They provide a clear framework for what is expected of each person in any given situation.

At their core, protocols are a quiet recognition that says: “I see you. I feel you. And even if I can’t kneel for you right now, I still honor the roles we’ve chosen.”

How to Create Effective Protocols

Step 1: Establish the Dynamic

Let’s step outside of relationships for a moment and look at the broader context of society.

Society, in this case, simply means any collective group of people—whether that’s your family, your culture, or an entire nation. A group exists because it shares a collective goal, and to achieve that goal successfully, it must collaborate and work cooperatively.

We could spend forever debating what the ultimate goal of society is, but that’s far outside the scope of this article. For the sake of brevity (and sanity), let’s say the goal is human flourishing.

To pursue this goal, society sets rules and standards of behavior it believes will best support that outcome. But it goes further than just telling people how to behave. To be efficient, society embeds these rules into the social fabric through a variety of mechanisms:

• Rules (e.g., laws)
• Systems that structure interaction and cooperation (e.g., government, social media, economies)
• Etiquette and social norms (e.g., when it’s acceptable to have sex on a first date)
• Beliefs (e.g., there is a heaven)
• Hierarchies (e.g., bosses and employees)
• Values (e.g., sexual freedom vs. abstinence until marriage)
• Culture (e.g., what people like, dislike, or celebrate)

All of these are stories—social constructs that exist only because people collectively believe in them. Without that belief, they collapse into nothing more than arbitrary ideas. These stories create a shared code of conduct that allows the group to function, maintain order, and pursue its collective goal.

Your D/s dynamic works the same way, only scaled down to two people. 

To establish rules and a meaningful code of conduct, your dynamic needs a goal—a purpose. Some might argue that casual relationships don’t need this, but even something as simple as “exploring BDSM together” or “mutual sexual satisfaction” provides direction. Without a clear purpose, you risk drifting into a directionless situationship.

Giving your dynamic purpose is a key part of negotiation, whether you approach it from the top down with a formal contract or build it organically over time. Either way, here are some essential questions to explore together:

• Why do you want to be in a D/s dynamic?
• Why is it worth it for you to take on leadership and responsibility for a submissive?
• Why is it worth it for them to submit?
• How will this dynamic benefit each of you?
• How good could this relationship become if you both fully committed to it?

As the Dominant, it’s your responsibility to create a vision that gives your dynamic direction and meaning. Sure, you could set rules for your submissive just for fun—but you could also use those rules as tools for growth, building toward something greater than either of you alone. The purpose is where you paint that vision. Where is this dynamic going, and what will it mean to you both? The clearer and more inspiring that vision is, the stronger the foundation of your D/s relationship will be.

What Does the Dynamic Look Like?

Once you have a sense of where the dynamic is headed, it helps to develop a general picture of what your ideal dynamic looks like.

You can start with broad questions such as:

• What does each person want and expect from a D/s dynamic?
• What does Dominance mean to you, and how does it show up?
• What does submission mean to you, and how does it show up?

From there, it’s often more useful to examine specific parameters of the dynamic. These dimensions will start to illuminate where protocol scenarios may occur and how much protocol may be desired for such.

Consider the following dimensions:

• Casualness: Is the power exchange limited to the bedroom, or does it extend into everyday life?
• Time commitment: When and where is the dynamic observed? Is this situational, scheduled, or 24/7?
• Romantic involvement: What level of emotional or romantic connection exists?
• Sexual involvement: How central is sex to the dynamic?
• Relationship structure: Is the relationship open, closed, or something in between?
• Discipline: How much accountability, correction, or behavior shaping is involved?
• Obedience: How strictly is the submissive expected to follow commands, and how much bratting is acceptable?
• Service: What types of service might the submissive provide?
• Management: How much oversight or micromanagement does the Dominant exercise?
• Activities: What practices—such as bondage or S/M—are included? (A sex menu is especially helpful here.)
• Visibility: How open are you about the dynamic with others?
• Collaring: Will collars be used, and what do they signify?

There are additional elements to consider—such as rules and discipline—when establishing a power exchange relationship, but these dimensions are enough to begin identifying where protocols may be useful and how they might be applied.

Step 2: Draft Protocols & Code of Conduct

Now that you’ve established a direction for your dynamic and understand its needs, it’s time to define how you’ll get there. In other words: How does each of us need to behave in our respective roles in order to fulfill the goal we’ve set?

A Code of Conduct lays out the specific behaviors for both partners—not just the submissive. Remember: master yourself before you master another person. 

Start Simple

When creating a Code of Conduct, keep this in mind: keep it simple. Dead simple.

The more complicated the structure you create at the beginning, the harder it will be for you to uphold as the Dom, and for them to follow as the submissive. As a result, the structure can quickly become overwhelming, a hassle, and ultimately meaningless. You’ll both hate it and want to abandon the process before it’s even begun.

Make it easy to remember and easy to implement. Start with one simple rule—such as, “I will always listen to commands and guidance given by Him”—and implement and master it before adding another.

Elements of Protocols

I’ve written extensively elsewhere about how to create rules within a Code of Conduct, so here I want to focus specifically on how those rules are modified for different scenarios. Because protocols are essentially contextual adjustments to rules, many of the same considerations apply.

In any given scenario, there are five core elements you’ll want to account for:

• People: Who is around you, and have they consented to witnessing expressions of a Dom/sub dynamic? Having your submissive kneel on the floor at home or among kink friends may be perfectly acceptable; doing so in the middle of a restaurant probably isn’t.
• Context: What is the occasion? Is it a regular Tuesday filled with responsibilities, a special evening together, a family gathering, or a munch or play party? Each context carries different social expectations, and your protocols should reflect what behaviors are appropriate—or inappropriate—within that setting.
• Location: Where are you physically? Protocols may change depending on which partner’s home you’re in (if you don’t cohabitate) or what tools, furniture, or equipment are available.
• Time: How much time do you realistically have? An elaborate protocol for preparing the Dom’s coffee may not be workable if he has to rush out the door every morning.
• Energy: How much mental and emotional bandwidth do you have? On busy weeks, low or medium protocol may be appropriate, while higher protocol might be reserved for weekends or times when you both have the headspace to fully engage.

With those five elements in mind, consider how the rules and rituals you’ve already created should be observed across different scenarios.

Let’s say you have a rule that you own your submissive’s body, and as part of that ownership, you decide what they eat and how they nourish it.

• At home, you might directly command your submissive what to eat.
• At a restaurant together, you might simply order for them.
• At a restaurant with family, you might review the menu beforehand and instruct them what to order—maintaining the dynamic without drawing unwanted attention.

As mentioned earlier, using levels of protocol is often more effective than trying to script every possible situation. For example:

• Low protocol: Used in vanilla, public, or informal situations.
• Medium protocol: Used at home, in public BDSM spaces, or among kink-aware friends.
• High protocol: Used for special occasions, kink-specific events, or during punishment.

Now let’s look at how the same task—fetching the Dom a glass of water—might change across protocol levels:

• No protocol: The Dom gets his own water.
• Invisible protocol: The submissive gets the Dom’s water before everyone sits down. No one notices the act.
• Low protocol: When the Dom asks, the submissive fetches the water. To outsiders, it appears ordinary; to the Dom and submissive, it’s understood as her duty.
• Medium protocol: At home, the submissive fetches the water without being asked, then continues the service by asking, “Would you like anything else, Sir?”
• High protocol: The submissive is required to fetch and present the water with perfect posture while kneeling naked, eyes down. If water is spilled or posture is incorrect, discipline may be administered.

This example illustrates how nearly any vanilla task can be layered with D/s elements to increase protocol. It allows you to craft experiences that are meaningful to your specific dynamic, rather than copying what other relationships do.

Common Etiquette in High Protocol

While every dynamic is different, high protocol often emphasizes formality through rules, rituals, and systems of etiquette. Common examples include:

• Honorifics and Titles: The submissive may consistently address the Dominant as “Sir,” “Ma’am,” “Master,” or “Mistress.” The Dominant may, in turn, use a specific title or pet name for the submissive.
• Speech and Language Protocols: The submissive may speak only when spoken to, avoid first-person pronouns (e.g., “this slave requests permission to speak”), or follow strict guidelines for expressing emotions, needs, or requests.
• Posture and Positioning: Set positions—such as kneeling, inspection stance, or waiting stance—may be required upon command or at predetermined times, like greeting the Dominant at the door.
• Rituals Around Service: Acts like preparing tea, drawing a bath, or laying out clothes can become ceremonial, with specific body language, pacing, or language required.
• Dress Codes: The submissive may be required to wear a uniform, specific colors, or no clothing at all within the home. Collars, cuffs, or other accessories may also be part of the “uniform.”
• Restrictions on Movement or Autonomy: While common across many BDSM styles, high protocol may formalize these further—requiring permission to sit, eat, leave a room, or speak.
  
• Discipline:  High protocol often includes a clearly defined system for correcting infractions or rewarding exemplary behavior, reinforcing structure and order for both partners.

As compelling as high protocol can be in fantasy, it’s rarely sustainable as a constant state in everyday life. Most people have jobs, responsibilities, relationships, and obligations that make maintaining strict formality impractical for either Dominant or submissive.

Protocols should express a D/s dynamic—not turn it into a chore. When designed thoughtfully, it supports the relationship rather than weighing it down.

Step 3: Negotiate

Technically, negotiation began back in Step 1 when you discussed needs, desires, boundaries, and limitations. Still, having a dedicated check-in before finalizing and implementing protocols helps prevent misunderstandings, overreach, and future resentment.

Sit down with your submissive and review the drafted Code of Conduct. 

Discuss:

• Why each rule exists and how it serves the dynamic
• How you want the rules observed in different scenarios
• What the consequences are if a rule or responsibility isn’t upheld
• Where either of you might realistically struggle with implementation

If conversations like these are difficult for you, I recommend looking over my How to Have Difficult Conversations guide.

Make sure you're both genuinely on board with the structure. If anything feels off, adjust it now—before it becomes something you both resent or simply ignore.

Step 4: Implement

This is where the rubber meets the road. You’ve formed a hypothesis about what might work for your dynamic—now it’s time to test it out in the real world.

A quick heads-up: it probably won’t work perfectly. At least not right away. That’s okay! This is experimentation. You’re learning together what works and what doesn’t. Don’t let early struggles discourage you. It’s all part of the process.

In my experience, this is where protocols are truly developed. You may have a general idea of how behaviors should be observed in certain situations, but it’s not until you’re actually in those situations that clarity emerges.

Many of the protocols I use with my submissive were born out of lived experiences—hosting a dinner party with friends, traveling together, navigating differences in communication styles—moments where I hadn’t anticipated the need to modify a rule or adjust how much D/s energy we wanted present. Sometimes we needed to ramp it up; other times, we needed to dial it back.

Over time, as you encounter more situations, assigning an appropriate level of protocol becomes easier and more intuitive.

As you uncover more about yourselves, each other, and what your dynamic actually requires, you can evolve your structure. I recommend keeping a living document that you update regularly. Over time, this document will naturally become your Dom/sub contract.

Correcting Mistakes

I highly recommend avoiding harsh punishments during this initial phase. Honestly, you’re both likely to fumble a bit. You’re trying on new roles, habits, and ways of relating to each other—and that takes time and practice. Be patient. Offer grace.

For submissives, the emotional toll of a misstep can be immense. These are often high-achieving, self-critical people who take pride in their performance—so even small mistakes can trigger guilt, shame, or a sense of failure.

That’s why correction doesn’t require punishment so much as atonement—a way for them to repair trust and reset their sense of purpose. The psychological weight of disappointing their Dom is often heavier than any punishment you could issue.

Here’s how I handle correction:

1. Acknowledge the mistake calmly and directly. No drama.
2. Explore the cause together—curiously, not critically.
3. Make a plan to avoid it happening again.
4. Reassess whether the task is aligned with the sub’s skills or support needs.

If the issue is behavioral (not just a one-off mistake), then a more structured consequence or punishment may be needed—but always with the goal of growth, not shame. To hold your submissive accountable, I recommend using the Accountability Triangle: rewards, punishments, and feedback.

Step 5: Adjusting the Code of Conduct

I strongly recommend setting a regular review interval where you and your partner check in about how the dynamic is going. You want enough time between reviews to give the structure a fair shot, rather than abandoning it during the initial growing pains. But you also don’t want to go so long that problems fester.

In my dynamic, we have a monthly relationship check-in where this is one of our core discussion points. Find a rhythm that fits your relationship.

During your review:

• Assess how well the code of conduct is working
• Identify anything that needs to be added, removed, or refined
• Talk through any new rules, rituals or protocols that have emerged naturally
• Decide what changes, if any, to implement in the next phase

Then go back into implementation mode. Test. Discover. Adjust. Repeat.

If This, Then That: Protocol Without the Burnout

At their core, protocols are simple if/then agreements: if we’re in this context, then we behave this way. Layered through levels—low, medium, high—they give you a flexible dial instead of a rigid rulebook. You’re not trying to live in high protocol 24/7 or memorize a thousand scenarios; you’re creating an intuitive system that lets you stay connected to the Dom/sub headspace no matter where you are. When designed well, protocols don’t overwhelm or exhaust you—they support you. They keep the dynamic alive in small, sustainable ways, turning everyday life into a quiet, consistent reminder of who you are to each other. Done right, protocol isn’t about perfection or performance. It’s about presence. And yes—it should be fun.