3 Tools to Discover Your Turn Ons

This article is all about discovering your turn ons.

How much do you actually understand what turns you on?

Has a partner asked you how they could please you, and you just kind of stared at them blankly, unable to describe your desires?

Do you really even know what you desire?

Don’t worry. Most people don’t. I most certainly did not understand the depths of my own eroticism until I took the time to explore it. In fact, I can recall a few occasions early in my sexual journey where I was getting hot and heavy with a girl and she asked me what I wanted at that moment and my mind went blank. I didn’t really know what I desired… and if I don’t know, how is she supposed to!

Exploring the erotic mind—that is, the thoughts, memories, fantasies, activities, etc. that turn you on—is a key component in uncovering your core desires and getting the most satisfying sex personalized to your own depraved fantasies. 

The 3 tools in this article will help you discover your turn ons.

Our brain is our biggest sex organ

One of my favorite sex books is The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin. Jack describes the mind as a powerful engine, transforming basic arousal into profound and often transcendent experiences through a blend of imagination, emotion, and memory. 

At the heart of Jack Morin’s exploration of human eroticism lies the concept of the Core Erotic Theme (CET), a personal and deeply ingrained pattern of arousal unique to each individual. The CET is pivotal in understanding why certain experiences, fantasies, and interactions trigger intense sexual excitement while others do not. Unlike mere sexual attraction, the CET is influenced by an intricate web of psychological, emotional, and experiential factors.

Understanding one’s CET requires looking beyond surface-level desires and probing into the underlying themes that consistently arise in erotic fantasies and experiences. This is exactly what we are going to do today.

3 Tools to help you discover your turn ons

1. Erotic Journaling

Step 1: Write down what turns you on

To begin understanding your own erotic mind, I suggest starting an erotic journal, a place where you can have thoughtful exploration of personal desires, fantasies, and arousal patterns. The act of journaling itself is a therapeutic process, providing a safe space for you to explore your inner desires without judgment or inhibition.

To start, I want you to write out the following:

• Fantasies
• Favorite sexual experiences
• Thoughts or mental images that really turn you on
• Kinds of porn or erotica you like to consume

By writing down these thoughts, you can begin to identify recurring themes and patterns that resonate deeply with you.

During this process, I want you to try to avoid questioning where that desire came from. Just because you have the desire does not mean you ever have to act on it if you don’t want to. This is about understanding our erotic triggers so that we may incorporate them into our sexual lives in a safe and fulfilling way.

After writing some down, I recommend taking a break because you’re probably pretty aroused at this point. In the next step we’re going to examine some of these items and discern what feelings they evoke in us. That’s going to be pretty hard when you’ve gone through your entire mental spank bank and feel like fucking anything right now. After you have calmed down, (or rubbed one out, I don’t judge) then let’s move on to step 2.

Step 2: Write down how it makes you feel

Now, I want you to take one fantasy, sexual experience, thought, or favorite porn/erotica, and examine it in closer detail. Practice visualizing in your mind as much as possible this particular erotic image. Through visualization, you can explore the emotional and sensory details that make your fantasies arousing, thereby gaining insights into what fuels their erotic excitement. From here, I want you to identify how this erotic image makes you feel or the types of emotions that it evokes. 

For example, the feelings and emotions that most occur in my eroticism are:

• Naughty
• Desired
• Appreciated
• Primal
• Respected
• Worshiped

Why do we care about emotions? Because some of our fantasies may be hard to fulfill either on our own or with a partner. Some we may consider too dark and never actually want to act outside the confines of our minds. However, if we know the emotion, we may be able to do other acts that evoke that same emotion, but with less risk. For example, if you have a capture and takedown CNC (consensual non-consent) fantasy, starting with some light bondage and heavy dirty talk may help you get the same feeling. In some cases, you’ll never have to go full force into your fantasy, unless of course you want to. 

Step 3: Write down what triggers that feeling or emotion

Next I want you to identify what in that erotic image is triggering that emotion. Particularly, you are looking for triggers that make the erotic image arousing for you: the environment, attributes about who you’re with, what sexual acts are occurring, ect. Whatever you think is making it so spicy.

Now think about what other activities or attributes of partners may also trigger that feeling that are not necessarily occurring in that current erotic image.

Continue steps 2 & 3  for the other items you wrote down in step 1.

2. Erotic Quizzes

Our previous tool gave us a deep internal perspective. Sometimes we need an outside perspective as well. For that, I recommend starting with erotic questionnaires and self-assessment tools. These structured instruments can help sort through complex layers of desire by posing targeted questions about sexual preferences, past experiences, and fantasy themes. These tools often reveal surprising connections and hidden aspects of your erotic mind that might not surface through journaling alone.

The following quizzes are my favorite:

• Miss Jaiya’s Erotic Blueprints: Helps you identify the broad categories your desires fall into including sexual, sensual, kinky, energetic, or a shapeshifter.
• BDSM Test: If you have spent even a millisecond in the BDSM scene you have seen the results of this test or heard someone talk about it. It’s the go-to.
• Sexual Alpha BDSM Kink Test: This one gives a bit more in depth explanation than the standard BDSM Test which is helpful to understand how it relates to you.
• Aella’s Big Kink Survey: This survey is highly detailed and extensive, touching on nearly all fetishes in existence. It gives you a percentile of kinkiness, based on how other people rated the tabooness of the things you like.
• Aella’s BDSM Archetype Survey: Discover your preferred BDSM dynamic, and get a result out of a possible 240 archetypes.

These are excellent tools for communication for you and your partners as well. They can be fun to do as sex homework, taking them separately, and then coming back together to share results.

3. Sexual Disclosure

Another significant technique for mapping the erotic mind involves engaging in dialogues with trusted partners, therapists, or coaches. These conversations can help you articulate your desires and understand the underlying psychological and emotional triggers. By understanding this, you are able to integrate these themes into your consensual sexual activities in a healthy and empowering way. Sexual disclosures can also be a way to address any shame that has occurred during the process using the other tools. 

How to do a Sexual Disclosure:

• Set up a time (preferably an hour or more) with someone who you trust enough that what you tell them will stay with them AND they will not judge you for what you say
• Disclose ALL past sexual partners & experience with them.
• Disclose desires, kinks, & turn ons.
• Disclose any shame or guilt you feel around past partners, experiences, or turn ons.

Warning: this process is intense and deep emotional work. Which is why it’s imperative that it is done in a safe, non judgmental container with someone who you can trust will keep what you share confidential and encourage your vulnerability. If you don’t have someone who immediately comes to mind, I’d be happy to support you in this process. We can start with a free 30 minute coaching session and go from there.

Own Your Turn Ons

The journey toward embracing erotic diversity begins with self-acceptance. Your eroticism is shaped by a complex interplay of experiences, culture, biology, and personality. Understanding that there is no "normal" when it comes to erotic desires allows you to explore and accept your unique erotic themes without guilt. So during your introspection have some compassion for yourself and celebrate your eroticism as vital parts of your identity.

In relationships, celebrating erotic diversity is equally important. Sharing your erotic thoughts and fantasies with a partner can deepen intimacy and connection. It requires vulnerability and trust, creating a foundation for mutual exploration and growth, and finding common ground that enhances mutual pleasure and satisfaction.

So take the time to actually understand and befriend your own erotic mind because the sex life you crave is on the other side of your own understanding.