Why Topping From the Bottom Happens (And What To Do About It)

‍Are you struggling with topping from the bottom in your D/s dynamic? Learn what topping from the bottom really means, why it happens, and how Dominants and submissives can rebuild trust, improve communication, and create deeper, more satisfying power exchange relationships.

Here’s the situation: you and your partner have established Dom and sub roles for a scene, some sexy time in the bedroom, or maybe an in-depth power exchange relationship. The task seems simple: the Dom leads, the submissive follows. But once the scene starts—or the Dom begins making decisions within the relationship—the submissive subtly (or not so subtly) begins resisting, trying to control the situation, or undermining directives… or so it seems.

This situation is often called topping from the bottom, and it’s frequently viewed as problematic because it appears antithetical to the purpose of a Dom/sub dynamic. When this happens, both Dom and submissive often end up frustrated. The Dom wants to lead. The submissive wants to surrender. Yet something is preventing the structure from functioning as intended.

What’s often misunderstood is that topping from the bottom is usually symptomatic of something deeper—not simply the result of a “bad” submissive or someone trying to be difficult. It’s not something a submissive typically strives to achieve, yet it happens quite frequently, often to the surprise of everyone involved. Rather than immediately assigning blame, it’s a signal to pause and get curious about why the situation is occurring.

Let’s examine this dynamic more closely—what it is and isn’t, why it might be happening, whether it’s actually a bad thing, and how both Dom and sub can work together to address it.

What Is Topping From the Bottom?

Topping from the bottom refers to situations in which the submissive attempts to force, demand, or subtly manipulate the Dom into doing what they want instead of allowing the Dom to lead as agreed. It can also show up as telling the Dom how they should be doing things. In essence, the submissive attempts to control the dynamic in ways that were not consensually agreed upon—and may even contradict the established structure of the relationship.

Topping from the bottom might look like:

• Testing the dominant’s every move
• Criticizing their partner’s choices
• Undermining their decisions
• “Correcting” their way of doing things
• Attempting to direct scenes before, during, or after play
• Interrupting directions, play, or commands to offer feedback or “correct” the Dom
• Micromanaging the overall experience with the dominant
• Expecting the dominant to cater exclusively to their fantasy
• Skirting around directly asking for what they want, instead giving vague details
• Purposefully trying to avoid tasks, punishments, or duties
• Deliberately manipulating the direction of the scene or relationship
• Guilt-tripping through non-consensual begging or pleading
• Holding leverage over the Dom—implying that unless they comply, something will be withheld or negative consequences will follow
• Expecting certain behavior “because we’re in a relationship,” without clearly communicating those expectations

Experiencing topping from the bottom is similar to backseat driving. If the passenger (the sub) keeps trying to steer the driver (the Dom) instead of trusting them to navigate, the entire experience becomes tense, less enjoyable, and ultimately counterproductive.

What Isn’t Topping From the Bottom

Speaking up, asserting yourself, and expressing your needs, desires, boundaries, and limits are not topping from the bottom. Advocating for yourself is not an attempt to control the dynamic—it’s a crucial and necessary part of getting your needs met as a submissive.

A Dominant’s role requires understanding the needs of both people in order to effectively lead you toward shared goals. They cannot do that if you’re silent. Doms are not mind readers.

Examples of behaviors that are not topping from the bottom include:

• Making requests for desires before decisions are made
• Discussing limits and setting boundaries before or after play
• Offering prompted safety feedback during play (“harder,” “slower,” “softer,” etc.)
• Using a safeword when you feel genuinely unsafe—physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually
• Co-creating scenes and engaging in negotiation
• Openly redefining the parameters of a relationship or dynamic
• Requesting space to think or process the dynamic or a scene

The distinction between what is and isn’t topping from the bottom ultimately comes down to healthy communication of needs, desires, boundaries, and limits.

When you establish a power exchange dynamic—whether for a single scene or an ongoing relationship—you should speak up about these things. Doing so ensures they can actually be honored, and it allows your Dom to consciously consent to taking responsibility for them. In exchange, you agree to yield authority to your Dom in the specifically negotiated areas.

Once those agreements are in place, you allow your Dom to lead. You then provide feedback through agreed-upon communication channels about how you’re experiencing their leadership—when something isn’t working and when you need to advocate for yourself again.

The issue arises in how needs are communicated after the Dom/sub agreement has been made. The key difference lies in requesting—which preserves your Dom’s agency and authority within the dynamic—rather than demanding, manipulating, or failing to communicate clearly.

“Sir, would you please…” is not topping from the bottom.

“If you don’t let me come, I’m going to safeword and go do it myself!” is topping from the bottom. That’s not a request—it’s a demand backed by a threat.

Some additional examples of statements that are not topping from the bottom:

• “I really hate it when you spank that hard. It’s too much for me.”
• “When you punish me by refusing to talk to me, it makes me feel abandoned.”
• “I don’t want you to use a cane. They scare me.”
• “Some of these rules you’ve given me are too restrictive. I can’t live like this.”

These are expressions of limits, needs, and concerns.

If you are saying things like this and your Dom is shutting you down, it may be time to take a hard look at the relationship—because none of this is wrong. Submissives are not “less submissive” simply because they have needs and limits.

Topping From the Bottom vs. Bratting

Bratting is sometimes mislabeled as topping from the bottom, but the two are not the same.

Bratting is a consensual dynamic—often between a brat and a brat tamer—where both people knowingly agree that the submissive will misbehave, break rules, challenge authority, or be defiant in playful ways. It’s part of the erotic tension and part of the fun for both parties.

In simple terms:

• Bratting: consensual defiance and misbehavior
• Topping from the bottom: non-consensual defiance and misbehavior

Submissives don’t brat because they don’t know how to behave. They brat because they crave attention and the experience of your love and care expressed through the form of behavior correction. In other words, the misbehavior serves a consensual emotional or erotic need within the structure of the dynamic—and both people are aware of that.

If you want a deeper exploration of this dynamic, read my guide on brat taming.

Why Do Submissives Top From the Bottom?

This is the most important section of this entire article. If you understand the underlying causes of the behavior, you can address those causes instead of assuming you’re dealing with a “bad” submissive.

First: why does anyone do anything?

To get their needs met.

It sounds simple, but this mindset is crucial. If you hold onto this lens, you’ll focus on identifying which needs are trying to be fulfilled instead of reacting to the surface behavior. As the Dom, you take responsibility for leading the dynamic—and that includes creating conditions where needs can be safely expressed and met. If the submissive believes you cannot fulfill their needs, they will not trust you.

In my experience, topping from the bottom usually happens for one of two reasons:

• They don’t respect you.
• They don’t trust you.

Because we’re wired to protect our ego first, most Dominants immediately assume it’s the first: disrespect.

From the Dominant’s perspective, being topped from the bottom feels frustrating and demoralizing. Planning and executing BDSM scenes—or managing an ongoing dynamic—is mentally and physically taxing. When a submissive interrupts, critiques, or attempts to redirect things, it can feel like they don’t appreciate the effort involved. It can land as a criticism of competence or even an attack on character. It may seem like you’ve upheld your role as the Dominant, but they’ve failed to uphold theirs.

Personally, it took time and reflection for me to recognize that when a submissive pushed back, it usually wasn’t about respect. The vast majority of the time, it was about trust.

This can feel confusing. After all, your submissive agreed to the dynamic. Intellectually, they trust you on some level.

But trust is complex.

We can verbally say we trust someone, yet it’s our nervous system that truly determines whether surrender feels safe. If they do not trust you at an embodied, nervous system level, they will resist surrendering to you. In many cases, they’ll resist surrendering to themselves.

That’s the part that confuses submissives. They say they want this dynamic—but their body won’t let them fully lean in.

Topping from the bottom is often a defense mechanism. It’s a way to regain control in situations where the nervous system perceives risk. It’s an attempt to stay safe. It’s an attempt to ensure needs are met—especially the fundamental need for safety.

So why might trust be lacking?

• Lack of Integrity: This one is straightforward. If you are not who you say you are—if your words and actions don’t align—your submissive cannot trust you. When you say, “I’ll take responsibility for your needs,” their body knows whether that statement is grounded in truth.
• Lack of Competency: If you’re new to being a Dom—especially if they are more experienced—you may not yet inspire confidence in your skills. That’s not an insult. It simply means you have more to learn. Don’t take it personally; take it seriously.
• Lack of Reliability: It’s one thing to know how to do something. It’s another to do it consistently over time. Inconsistency activates the nervous system. If you are unreliable, their body learns: “We can’t count on this person.” Defenses rise accordingly.
• Lack of Empathy: If you don’t understand how your decisions impact your submissive—especially when harm occurs—they cannot trust you to make decisions that safeguard their well-being.
• Lack of Understanding: If you don’t fully understand their needs, how can you effectively lead them? Sometimes this happens because the submissive hasn’t clearly articulated those needs—or doesn’t yet know them. Trust is collaborative. It is never one-sided.
• Lack of Taking Authority: If the submissive appears to be holding onto control, it may be because the Dom isn’t actually taking it. When they offer authority and you hesitate, avoid decisions, or fail to act, many submissives will default back into control. Decisions must be made. Leadership must be embodied. If you don’t take responsibility when it’s offered, they will.
• Fear of Being Out of Control: Surrendering authority means placing the responsibility for your needs in someone else’s hands. Depending on past experiences, that may feel profoundly unsafe—even if they consciously desire it.
• Fear of the Unknown: Humans are predictive creatures. We anticipate what’s coming in order to survive. When there’s uncertainty—no clarity about the plan or outcome—the nervous system can become hyper-alert. Repeated requests for reassurance are often attempts to soothe this fear.
• Fear It Won’t Go Well: Sometimes this looks like perfectionism. More often, it stems from past experiences where trust led to harm. If previous surrender resulted in unmet needs—or worse—then the nervous system remembers.
• Fear of Abandonment: Attachment and safety are deeply intertwined. If they’ve trusted people before who promised care and then disappeared without proper closure, their nervous system may remain guarded, even within a consensual dynamic.
• Fear of Losing Themselves: The ego works hard to preserve identity and autonomy. When someone else assumes authority over you—even consensually—the ego may react as though survival itself is threatened.
• Trauma: Any of these patterns can be symptoms of trauma or intensified by past traumatic experiences. Even if you are doing everything “right,” trauma wires the nervous system to respond to specific cues. Sometimes the “right” action still feels wrong in the body.

So now you have a situation where the submissive has a need—and they don’t fully trust that you can meet it. Sometimes that lack of trust is about you. Sometimes it’s about them. Often, it’s about both of you.

What happens next?

They use whatever communication tools they learned were safe or acceptable in the past.

If they were taught healthy communication, they will assert themselves, clearly express their needs, and make requests.

If they were taught unhealthy communication, they will resort to passive-aggressive behavior, manipulation, or indirect control.

The hard truth is that most of us were never taught that it was safe to ask directly for our needs. As children, when we spoke up, we were often told to be quiet, dismissed, or ignored. In more extreme cases, we were shamed or rejected simply for having needs at all.

So we adapt.

We learn to ask covertly. We learn to manipulate subtly. We learn to control indirectly—because direct expression didn’t feel safe.

The submissive is not actively trying to disrespect you.

They are trying to protect themselves. They are trying to get their needs met. They are trying to communicate—but may not yet know how to do so effectively.

So your focus should be on:

• Safety
• Needs
• Communication

Not on the surface-level disobedience.

How to Address Topping From the Bottom

Now that we understand why this dynamic tends to occur, it’s time to examine your specific situation. Approach it with curiosity rather than defensiveness. The goal isn’t to win—it’s to understand.

We’re going to look at this from both sides of the slash because, ultimately, you are on the same team. Yes, we play with power in these dynamics—but they are not meant to become power struggles (unless, of course, you are consciously and consensually incorporating that into your play).

What the Dom Can Do

As I alluded to earlier, it’s easy to jump to conclusions when a submissive appears to be topping from the bottom. Most Dominants default to interpreting it as disrespect.

Before reacting, pause.

Your first step is to ask questions. There’s a short set of questions I like to ask both myself and my submissive whenever we find ourselves in a situation where topping from the bottom may be happening.

Ask yourself and ask them:

• Do they respect you?
• Do they trust you?
• Do they trust themselves?
• Do they genuinely want to submit?

These questions help move the conversation beneath the surface behavior and toward the root issue.

Let’s break down what you can do with each one.

Gaining Respect

The likelihood that the issue is pure disrespect is usually smaller than we initially assume. Simply asking whether they respect you can provide reassurance, soothe your own anxiety, and allow you to refocus on deeper causes.

That said, sometimes it is about respect.

If that’s the case, you have meaningful work ahead of you. Respect is foundational to a submissive’s surrender. Ask yourself honestly: do you surrender to the direction of someone you don’t respect?

If respect is lacking, it often relates to how you are leading yourself and your own life. This may mean returning to the foundations of your dominance and focusing on your own development. The old adage applies here: master yourself before you attempt to master another.

If you need structure for that work, I recommend revisiting your foundational development as a Dom and strengthening the core traits that naturally inspire respect.

Building Trust in You as a Dom

More often than not, this is where the issue lies.

In some way, shape, or form, your submissive does not fully trust you.

It’s important to recognize that when a submissive expresses this, it does not mean they don’t trust you across every domain of the relationship. If that were the case, they likely wouldn’t respect you either—and you’d need to revisit the previous section. Instead, the lack of trust is usually specific and contained to particular areas.

In all of my guides on setting up a power exchange relationship, I make it clear: a submissive does not surrender their entire life from day one. Surrender happens in specific domains—ideally one at a time—where they either already trust you or are willing to take a calculated risk to see if you are trustworthy.

For example:

• They may trust you with canes but not with floggers.
• They may trust you to guide their eating habits but not to structure their daily schedule.
• They may trust you in the bedroom but not yet with leading the entire relationship—or vice versa.

Trust is multidimensional.

Trust researcher Rachel Botsman describes four key ingredients we use to determine whether someone is trustworthy. These apply directly to D/s dynamics.

The four ingredients of trustworthiness are:

• Competency: The ability to do something successfully or effectively.
• Reliability: The ability to consistently deliver the same outcomes over time.
• Empathy: The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
• Integrity: The quality of being honest and living according to clear principles.

These ingredients matter for both Doms and submissives. However, how they are demonstrated across the slash differs slightly.

When you build competency as a Dom—whether in technical skills like choking or in high-level decision-making that affects someone’s life—your submissive can trust that you are capable of leading them safely in that domain.

Their nervous system relaxes. They no longer need to stay hyper-alert for harm caused by incompetence. When trust falters here, it’s often a skill gap—not a character flaw.

When you build reliability—delivering consistent outcomes, upholding structure, and following through on what you say—you become a constant in an unpredictable world.

Predictability calms the nervous system. Your presence shifts from being a source of anxiety to a place of steadiness.

When you build empathy, your submissive trusts that you consider the emotional and psychological consequences of your decisions. They trust that if harm occurs, you will acknowledge it, seek repair, and take responsibility.

Submissives don’t expect perfection. They expect ownership.

That’s what allows them to take risks in surrender—even when their nervous system is still learning that it’s safe.

When you build integrity—aligning your words and actions, speaking truthfully, and living according to your principles—your submissive can believe you.

They can believe you when you say you will take care of them. They can believe you when you say you will avoid causing harm. They can believe you when you say you will stop if they say no.

Integrity is what makes your authority credible.

If you want a deeper dive into developing these four traits within your dynamic, read Building Trust in a Dom/Sub Relationship.

Helping Them With Their Fears

The issue may not be that they don’t trust you—it may be that they don’t yet trust themselves.

Surrender requires loosening the tight grip of self-control we maintain over ourselves every day. It means exposing ourselves not only to the uncertainty of the outside world, but also to the parts of ourselves we repress because they feel overwhelming, chaotic, or threatening to the fragile identities we’ve constructed.

Sometimes, the submissive simply does not trust those parts of themselves.

As a Dom, you are guiding your submissive into those spaces. When resistance shows up—when they lash out, micromanage, or try to regain control—it may be a projection of their internal fear. Because you are leading them toward that edge, you receive the resistance, even though it is themselves they are truly resisting.

That resistance can stem from trauma, attachment patterns, unexplored aspects of identity, or natural fears of stepping into a submissive mindset. Your role in these moments is not to force them, judge them, or reprimand them. It is to listen. To hold space. To have uncomfortable conversations. To gently move beneath the surface behavior and uncover the deeper emotions and unspoken needs driving it.

Leadership here requires patience, not pressure.

Maybe They Are Not Actually Submissive

This should not be your first conclusion—but it is worth exploring if other avenues have not led to resolution.

Some people enjoy being bottoms—having actions done to them—while still maintaining full psychological control. Others may have dominant inclinations and only wish to be submissive in very specific contexts or domains.

It’s also important to acknowledge that, for many women in particular, societal messaging can create the assumption that they are “supposed” to be submissive. Cultural conditioning runs deep.

But authentic submission does not feel like constant tension. Over time, it feels like relief—not white-knuckled endurance.

If she is not finding moments of genuine surrender—if there is no sense of release, grounding, or peace in the dynamic—it’s worth asking whether this is truly the role she desires. It may be that she would rather be in charge.

Honest discussion is essential to uncover these truths.

If you both ultimately desire to occupy the dominant position within a relationship, you may be facing a fundamental incompatibility. Not all dynamics can be negotiated into alignment—and recognizing that is a form of maturity, not failure.

What the Submissive Can Do

Surrender.

What does your body feel when you read that word?

This will likely be the hardest act of your submission: relinquishing control and trusting your Dom completely, even though it’s what you want most.

First, you have to surrender to yourself—to the desires that have been clawing their way out of you while you’ve been holding them back.

Then you take a leap of faith. Even with careful negotiation, vetting, and trust-building, there is still a leap involved. You can never fully know another person. At some point, you must decide to trust that your Dom truly has your best interests at heart.

The Dom you chose—the one you respect—is here to lead you through your submissive journey. But they can’t do that if you’re constantly resisting them.

And you will resist.

You will have to surrender internally, again and again.

Because the Dominant has taken responsibility for the dynamic—holding the well-being of both people in mind—you show trust by showing respect: acknowledging their role and authority, treating them with honor and courtesy, and valuing their guidance and decisions. You don’t respect a Dominant simply because they hold power; you respect them because they hold responsibility.

Here’s the core of it—the thing that separates submission from being a doormat, a people-pleaser, or a victim of someone else’s will:

You are choosing to submit.

Power-exchange relationships are consensual exchanges. Consent is the key word. You choose to give your power to them. That choice is yours. You both enter into an agreement for mutual pleasure: you agree to surrender control, and they agree to accept it. Never forget that this is a choice—one both of you are responsible for honoring.

Remembering that you can always say yes or no is what makes true surrender possible. It allows your Dominant to lead you—or ravish you—without crossing into something that feels unsafe or wrong.

Let’s look at some strategies to help you with this process.

Getting Into a Submissive Mindset

One of the biggest challenges for new submissives is getting into the right mindset to actually be submissive.

Especially if you’re a hard-charging, go-getter who is always in control and carrying a lot of responsibility in your daily life, you may find yourself stuck in a frustrating paradox: you crave surrender, yet you can’t fully let go.

The submissive mindset offers the opposite of your everyday reality. It’s a place where the to-do list dies, someone else calls the shots, and your only job is to feel. Psychologists call this compensatory dynamics—we seek balance by indulging in what we’re most deprived of. Yet every time you try to fully submit, your brain kicks into overdrive and you start to resist.

Many people believe that submission means doing whatever the Dom says, no matter what—or that if they let go of control, something very bad is going to happen. But submission isn’t a passive role where you simply allow anything to be done to you. It’s about consciously choosing the areas where you’re willing to give up control, and then surrendering those areas to someone you trust to lead you well.

To do that, you need to:

• Identify your limits and boundaries
• Submit to someone you trust and respect
• Address your fears
• Allow your Dom to lead
• Transition out of everyday life

Taking these steps grants you the mental freedom to indulge in what you want most: relief from worry, anxiety, uncertainty, and the relentless stress of daily life—while being ravished like you’re the most desirable object in the world. This guide will walk you through those exact steps.

Being Trusting

Everyone has a different threshold for how much trust-building behavior they need to see before they feel comfortable trusting someone. If a person has experienced trauma from having their trust violated in the past, they are often what they describe as a “slow burn”—someone who requires repeated demonstrations of trustworthiness before they can fully let go.

I see this most often from the submissive side.

What I tell many submissives who struggle to surrender is this: at some point, you will have to take a leap of faith that your Dom can guide you where you want to go. Even with the best negotiation, vetting, and intentional trust-building, surrender ultimately requires risk. You can never fully know another person.

It’s easy to believe that you can’t take a risk on someone without trust. However, it’s the very act of risk-taking—of being vulnerable to harm—that allows trust to develop.

When we take a risk in trusting someone and they do not abuse or exploit that opportunity, trust compounds. We become more willing to take larger and more meaningful risks with them in the future.

The key is the size of the risk.

If you struggle with trusting partners, start small. Take a micro-risk, observe how they respond, and then gradually increase the stakes. You’re essentially engaging in exposure therapy—expanding your capacity for trust by introducing manageable risks and adjusting based on how your partner handles them.

When building trust in any area of a D/s dynamic, your willingness to take larger risks depends on your ability to manage your own safety.

For example:

• Emotional vulnerability feels safer when you’ve done the internal work to become secure in yourself.
• Knowing how to defend yourself increases your sense of physical safety.
• Learning proper techniques for kink play increases both physical and emotional safety.

The more regulated and resourced you are, the larger the risks you can tolerate.

Of course, if you want your Dom to take control, you will have to relinquish some control. That does not mean handing over your entire life immediately. You have no way of knowing whether they can handle that responsibility. Start small. With each successful experience of giving up control, you can offer more the next time.

An excellent starting point is to say, in a playful and non-confrontational tone:

“I’d like you to choose for me.”

You are not testing them. You are inviting them to step into this role.

For example:

• Ask them to choose what you wear.
• Ask them to choose what you eat.
• Ask them to plan a date, weekend, or trip.

If they are not accustomed to making decisions for you, they may respond with, “I don’t know what you want.” Don’t become frustrated. Reassure them that you genuinely want them to decide, and share how it makes you feel when they take control.

If they choose something you don’t like, resist the urge to berate them. The goal is not perfection—it’s growth. You are creating opportunities for their dominant traits to develop and for your trust in their judgment to strengthen. Over time, they will become more attuned to your preferences as their confidence grows and they receive constructive feedback.

The same principle applies to play and sex. If you want them to tie you up, begin with simple restraints or tools that require less technical skill—such as bondage tape instead of rope. As they practice, don’t criticize or nitpick. Instead, reinforce what they are doing well and express what you’re enjoying.

Encouragement builds confidence. Confidence builds competence. Competence builds trust.

And trust is what makes surrender possible.

Making Requests

How do you make your needs known to your Dom?

Do you demand what you want—or do you ask for it?

As a submissive, you are consensually giving up control to your Dom. When you do, they assume responsibility for fulfilling your negotiated needs. But they can only fulfill what has been clearly communicated.

It sounds simple. Sometimes it is. Often, it’s not—especially when frustration has built up over something you feel has been lacking. In those moments, it’s easy to snap into criticism or demand. It’s almost always more effective to ask first.

There is also a deeper reason to request change rather than demand it: consent.

We often focus—rightfully—on the ways a Dom might violate a submissive’s consent, given the inherent power imbalance and vulnerability within the dynamic.

However, failing to allow the Dom the freedom to decide whether to fulfill a request—without guilt, coercion, or passive-aggressive pressure—can violate the Dom’s consent as well.

A Dom is a willing participant in fulfilling your needs. That means they are not obligated to comply with every request (or subtle demand). Authority does not eliminate autonomy.

That said, your voice absolutely matters.

You are the only one who can advocate for your needs. A Dom sets the direction of the dynamic, so their own needs are often structurally integrated. If you remain silent, yours may go unmet. While a good Dom should check in regularly, it is ultimately your responsibility to ensure your needs are expressed and heard.

This is why consistent feedback is essential.

Let your Dominant know when something isn’t working—but also express gratitude and appreciation when it is. Positive reinforcement strengthens leadership just as much as constructive critique.

There is, however, an art to giving feedback in a way that is heard, respected, and taken seriously rather than dismissed.

Tips for Giving Feedback to a Dom

• Respect the rules set by your Dom. If protocols exist around communication, honor them—while ensuring they still allow space for your emotional well-being. These rules may dictate the time, place, or form feedback should take.
• Tune into your feelings while practicing emotional regulation. Identify what you’re feeling so it can be expressed clearly. Avoid using emotional intensity to attack your Dom. If emotions are heightened, it’s often best to pause until you’re both calm, ensuring the conversation is productive rather than reactive.
• Choose the right time and place. Not every situation is ideal for feedback. If your Dom is drained, your words may fall flat. If you’re at a social event, criticism may undermine their authority. In these cases, it can help to have a designated weekly time for feedback, ensuring nothing gets lost.
• Practice the art of difficult conversations. Prepare in advance, encourage emotional expression, listen to understand, and speak to be understood. Use “I” statements and principles of nonviolent communication.
• Emotionally support your Dom. Sometimes feedback will sting. If your Dom is triggered, upset, or angry, stay compassionate while still asserting your perspective. Never silence yourself to protect your Dom from discomfort—honest communication is essential for trust and growth. At the same time, avoid being intentionally hurtful. If your words cause pain, apologize sincerely.
• Seek clarity and respect the Dom’s direction. Sometimes expressing your feelings won’t require any change; other times, it will. In those cases, receive your Dom’s decisions with openness, grace, and respect. Even if you don’t fully agree, remember they are leading the dynamic and may see the bigger picture. Your willingness to listen fosters security and reinforces the structure you’ve both chosen.

Sometimes the roles and rules themselves can block something important that needs to be said. For those moments, I recommend creating a communication safeword. Much like a safeword in a scene, this word temporarily suspends protocol and power exchange, allowing you both to speak as equals.

Surrender Takes Time

There is a significant amount of introspective work involved in BDSM. A great deal of time is spent soul-searching and self-evaluating on both sides of the slash. Submission is not a switch you flip—it’s a process. It takes time.

Communication is essential—not just from the Dominant, but from the submissive as well. A dynamic cannot thrive if only one voice is engaged in reflection and growth.

An unwillingness or difficulty in surrendering does not invalidate someone’s role. It doesn’t mean they are “bad” at submission or incapable of the dynamic. It may simply indicate that there is deeper internal work to be done before proceeding in a healthy and sustainable way.

Surrender is gained through trust, safety, and consistency.

And like anything meaningful, it develops over time.