Self-BDSM Practices, Solo Play, and Getting Freaky with Yourself

Curious about self BDSM? Learn how to explore kink on your own, build real skills, discover your desires, and prepare yourself for powerful D/s relationships—whether or not you have a partner.

So you want to dabble in BDSM, but you’re finding it difficult to do as a solo or single person—whether because you haven’t found the right partner yet, you’re enjoying your solo life, or you’re nervous about dipping your toes into the community.

Not to fear. Starting with solo exploration gives you the time and space to discover your true desires, work through any shame or doubts, and learn the practical skills that make a healthy, satisfying dynamic possible once you are ready for a partner.

Whether you identify as Dominant, submissive, or somewhere in between, this article will explore the many ways you can engage in BDSM on your own.

Why Practice BDSM By Yourself?

You may be thinking that BDSM can only be fulfilling—or is meant to be fulfilling—when done with another person. And yes, there are plenty of kinky activities to explore with others. But spending time exploring BDSM on your own is not only deeply rewarding in its own right, it will also make your future experiences with partners far more powerful. Let’s outline some of the most common benefits and advantages.

Enjoying the Single Life

Because our culture is so heavily focused on finding your “forever person,” it often makes those who are single—or simply enjoying solo life—feel shame or believe they’re somehow less than, especially within BDSM. But there are countless benefits to engaging in BDSM on your own, and it’s something that deserves to be honored and given far more attention.

One of the biggest advantages is that you don’t have to ride the relationship escalator if that’s not what you want. You don’t need to be in a committed relationship to explore BDSM. Spending time understanding yourself will only make you more equipped when you are ready to engage with a partner—if ever.

Self-Discovery

BDSM can be so much more than kinky play if you allow it to be. Many fantasies tap into deep parts of our psyche—parts we often shy away from sharing with anyone else. Through solo play, whether mental exploration or trying different kinks, you can explore these parts of yourself more deeply without the fear of judgment or ridicule.

Learn to Fulfill Your Needs First

By engaging in solo BDSM, you learn what your needs and desires actually are—and how you might fulfill them on your own. This keeps you from expecting future partners to meet every need, relieving pressure on them and giving you more security and freedom to say no to people who don’t vibe with you. This applies to everything from learning how you like to be touched, to what fantasies truly turn you on, to how you prefer to be cared for.

You’ll Be Better Equipped to Communicate

The flip side of learning your needs is becoming better equipped to articulate them to a partner. A foundational skill in all relationships—vanilla or kinky—is the ability to express your needs, desires, boundaries, and limits. After exploring BDSM on your own, you’ll be far more capable of recognizing compatible partners and clearly telling them what you want and don’t want.

Getting Educated (and Not Manipulated)

As you engage in self-BDSM, you’ll inevitably research the kinks you’re interested in. The more you learn on your own, the less you have to rely on others to fill in knowledge gaps. One major benefit of this is that you’ll be better able to spot people who may try to manipulate you because you know what healthy, ethical BDSM actually looks like.

Just be careful to avoid the trap of “research mode”—reading endless books, watching every YouTube video, and never taking any action. It’s easy to convince yourself you need to wait until you’re “ready” or until you meet the “perfect partner.” In reality, the best time to start is now.

How to Engage in Self-BDSM

Engaging in BDSM on your own isn’t complicated. There are practices accessible to everyone, and others that are especially helpful for Dominants or submissives who want to better embody their respective roles. But before we get into the how-to, let’s talk about risks.

Risks

Many of the practices we’ll explore are fairly harmless or low-risk. However, as you begin experimenting with different kinks and activities, the potential for harm, injury, or even death can increase. Much of the mainstream concern about solo BDSM centers around cases of autoerotic asphyxiation—restricting one’s own airway, often with a belt, rope, or other device. This isn’t meant to scare you, but to highlight that any BDSM activity can carry risks if not practiced with awareness and intention.

If you plan to engage in a particular type of play, make sure you understand the risks associated with it. When tying yourself up, using anything that restricts your airway, or even gagging yourself, always leave at least one hand free. This ensures you can escape or untie yourself once you’re done and gives you the ability to adjust anything if you realize you’ve gone too tight.

Know your limits and boundaries, and don’t push past them. Whether you’re administering a spanking with a flogger or paddle, experimenting with self-bondage, or exploring overstimulation and dirty talk, if something becomes uncomfortable or overwhelming, stop. There’s no benefit to pushing yourself into distress.

Even if you’re exploring the mental aspects of BDSM, doing so alongside therapy or within supportive communities can help you process parts of yourself that feel alarming or dysregulating at first. BDSM can be a powerful window into your own shadow, and confronting those places alone can sometimes be intense.

Finally, don’t forget your own aftercare. Just because you didn’t engage with a partner doesn’t mean you don’t need recovery and transition time after a scene. Learning your aftercare needs now ensures you’ll be able to communicate them clearly—and get them met—when you eventually explore BDSM with someone else.

Types of Solo Play

Now for the exciting part—let’s explore some kinky ways you can play on your own.

Self-Bondage

If you’re drawn to being tied up—or being the one who does the tying—self-bondage is a great way to begin exploring those fantasies.

For people who want to be tied, self-bondage offers a way to experience the feeling of being restricted, helpless, and fully contained. It also helps you learn proper tying techniques so you can advocate for your safety and preferences when you eventually play with partners.

If you’re a rigger or rope Top, self-bondage is an excellent way to practice your technique, refine your skills, and experiment with new ties. Experienced riggers can even perform self-suspensions, though you should never attempt this without proper instruction and confidence in your abilities.

When doing self-bondage, it’s essential to follow basic safety protocols. Avoid binding yourself too tightly, as this can restrict circulation, cause bruising, break the skin, or lead to nerve damage.

Always keep a cutting tool— or a key if you’re using locking restraints like handcuffs—within easy reach, and have a phone nearby in case you need help. And of course, never tie yourself in a way you cannot reliably escape.

Beyond ropes, there are plenty of light bondage tools and devices designed to help you get into bondage more quickly and safely during solo play.

Sensation Play

Sensation play is all about experimenting with different kinds of physical sensations, which may or may not include pain.

Common forms of BDSM sensation play include:

• Temperature play with ice or hot wax
• Wartenberg wheels (also known as pinwheels)
• Electro-play
• Stroking with various materials
• Tickling (with hands or items such as feathers)
• Scratching (with fingernails or items such as vampire gloves)

If you enjoy these sensations—or think you might—you can explore any of them yourself. Try different sensations on different parts of your body and notice what you like, what you don’t, and what surprises you.

Sensation play can be soft and sensual (like stroking yourself with a piece of silk) or intense and even painful (picture pinwheels or hot wax on nipples or genitals). If you’re unsure what you like, it’s an excellent way to explore your erotic preferences and limits. And once you do know what you enjoy, sensation play can turn your solo sex time into a full-body experience.

Impact Play

If you want to explore one of the cornerstones of BDSM—mixing pain with pleasure—consider experimenting with impact play on yourself. You can flog, cane, spank, or paddle your own body.

Self-inflicted pain play lets you choose precisely the intensity you want, test your edges, and try different forms of stimulation in a controlled environment. You can start small, too: snapping a rubber band on your wrist, digging your fingernails into a sensitive area (like your inner thighs), or gently pulling your own hair.

As with partnered scenes, safety matters. Avoid striking areas such as the kidneys, spine, neck, face, and joints. Fleshy or muscular regions—like the butt, thighs, and upper back—are safer for impact. It’s also best to avoid using a single-tail whip on yourself; these toys can be dangerous even with slight mis-aim.

Beyond impact play, other pain-based activities you can explore include clips or clamps, pinching, scratching, or even needle play—provided you’ve learned how to use them properly.

Self-Imposed Orgasm Control

Orgasm control—having your pleasure governed by someone else, your release theirs to grant or deny—strikes a deep chord for many kinksters. But you don’t need a partner to enjoy this deliciously frustrating kink.

Some solo orgasm-control practices include:

• Edging: Arouse and stimulate yourself almost to orgasm, then stop and let your arousal subside. Repeat as many times as you want before finally allowing yourself to climax—if you choose to at all.
• Denial: If you’re feeling sadistic or playful, deny yourself an orgasm altogether, refusing the relief that your body is begging for.
• Overstimulation: Bring yourself to orgasm, then continue stimulating yourself instead of stopping, pushing yourself into multiple, intense, consecutive orgasms.
• Torture: Extend overstimulation until the sensations shift from pleasure to pain and continue the stimulation anyway.
• Rules: Create personal rules around orgasm—for example, not masturbating for three days while keeping yourself as turned on as possible.
• Chastity: Wear a chastity belt or device, reserving orgasms for specific occasions. Some devices even include a plug or dildo that stays inserted while you wear them.

Wearable Sex Toys

Insertables, vibrators, and plugs can all be worn during completely mundane tasks—or even out in public under clothing—making for an unexpectedly pleasurable outing. For submissive types, the experience can be especially arousing because it feels like it’s being done to you, as if you have no control over the sensations.

These toys can also serve as all-day foreplay before a longer self-pleasuring session later—if you can last that long. And by the way, you should spend ample time self-pleasuring in order to learn exactly what pushes your buttons before expecting someone else to find them.

Self-BDSM Practices for Anyone

Now let’s expand beyond play into other solo practices that can significantly deepen your BDSM experience—whether you’re enjoying kink on your own or preparing for future partner play.

Learn About the Lifestyle

If you’re engaging with my content, you’re already well on your way. Educating yourself about the lifestyle—roles you’re drawn to, consent, negotiation, communication, and proper techniques—will not only keep you safe but also make you a far more desirable partner when you decide you’re ready to engage with others.

Here are some categories of content I offer:

• Becoming a Dom
• Becoming a sub
• Learning kink + sex skills
• Finding kinky partners
• Building D/s relationships
• Ethical non-monogamy and polyamory
• Exploring Tantra

Being single doesn’t prevent you from attending munches, play parties, classes, or workshops on the kinks you’re most interested in. In fact, doing so while unattached can be a powerful way to learn, observe, and connect.

Fill Out a Sex Menu

Sex menus are a tool for communicating your desires, turn-ons, and kinks using an extensive list of sexual and BDSM acts paired with a rating system that reflects your interest in each. You may have heard these referred to as “Yes/No/Maybe” lists, desire menus, or BDSM checklists.

Most people have never taken the time to truly understand what turns them on or what they want sexually—they just leave it up to chance. In my experience, great, consistent sex comes from communication. In fact, communication is the keystone of every healthy relationship, whether it’s a marriage, a Dom/sub dynamic, or a polyamorous structure.

Two features make sex menus incredibly powerful:

1. Detailed reference notes: For each act, you can include a note describing what that act means to you, adding nuance about how you want it done—or why you like or dislike it.
2. Rating system: In BDSM, there’s a lot of gray area between “yes” and “no.” Sex menus offer multiple categories such as Hard Limit, Soft Limit, Occasionally, Love It, Need It, Try It, and Indifferent to help you articulate your desires more accurately.

You’re welcome to create one from scratch, though I don’t recommend it—you don’t know what you don’t know. Luckily, plenty of people online have compiled extensive lists for you. In fact, I have a free Google Sheets menu with 350+ sex acts you can use. You’re welcome.

Explore Your Erotic Mind

Exploring the erotic mind—that is, the thoughts, memories, fantasies, activities, etc., that turn you on—is a key component in uncovering your core desires and getting the most satisfying sex tailored to your own unique fantasies.

To begin understanding your own erotic mind, I suggest starting an erotic journal—a place where you can thoughtfully explore personal desires, fantasies, and arousal patterns. The act of journaling itself is a therapeutic process, providing a safe space for you to explore your inner desires without judgment or inhibition. Starting with an erotic journal allows for the purest expression of what turns you on, free from outside influence on how you should be turned on.

In this erotic journal, create four columns: Turn-Ons, Feelings, Activity Triggers, and Partner Triggers.

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We’ll begin with your Turn-Ons. In this column, write down the following items:

• Fantasies
• Favorite sexual experiences
• Thoughts or mental images that really turn you on
• Types of porn or erotica you enjoy

By writing down these thoughts, you can start to identify recurring themes and patterns that resonate deeply with you.

During this process, try to avoid questioning where these desires came from. Just because you have a particular desire doesn’t mean you ever have to act on it if you don’t want to. This is about understanding your erotic triggers so you can incorporate them into your sex life in a safe and fulfilling way.

Now, take one fantasy, sexual experience, thought, or favorite porn/erotica, and examine it in closer detail. Practice visualizing this particular erotic image as vividly as possible. Through visualization, you can explore the emotional and sensory details that make your fantasies arousing, thus gaining insights into what fuels their erotic excitement. From here, identify how this erotic image makes you feel or the types of emotions it evokes.

For example, the feelings and emotions that most occur in my eroticism are:

• Naughty
• Desired
• Appreciated
• Primal
• Respected
• Worshipped

Why do we care about emotions? Because some of our fantasies may be difficult to fulfill—either on our own or with a partner. Some may be considered too dark, and we may never actually want to act on them outside the confines of our minds. However, if we understand the emotion behind the fantasy, we may be able to replicate that same emotional experience through different acts, but with less risk. For example, if you have a capture-and-takedown CNC (consensual non-consent) fantasy, starting with some light bondage and heavy dirty talk may help you achieve the same feeling. In some cases, you’ll never need to go fully into your fantasy—unless, of course, you want to.

Next, identify what in that erotic image triggers the emotion you feel. Specifically, look for triggers that make the erotic image arousing to you: the environment, attributes of who you’re with, what sexual acts are occurring, etc. Whatever you think makes it so spicy.

Now think about what other activities or partner attributes might trigger that feeling—even if they aren’t present in the current erotic image. Write those down in their respective columns under Activities or Partner Qualities. Continue this process for the other items you wrote down.

Self-BDSM Practices for Dominants

Now let’s look at a few solo practices you can use to begin developing your Dominance on your own.

Practice Discipline

If you want to be the master of another, you must first learn to master yourself. Discipline isn’t just about shaping the behavior of others—it’s primarily about controlling your own.

To be disciplined means to act in a controlled, organized, and self-restrained way in pursuit of a goal or adherence to a set of rules. A disciplined person manages their actions, thoughts, and desires even when facing challenges, often through consistent practice and commitment to a plan.

Despite the edgy aesthetic and a certain disdain for arbitrary societal rules, I’m a deeply disciplined person. If there’s something I want in life, I consistently put in the effort required to achieve it. These very articles are proof of that—showing up every week to publish, no matter the circumstances.

As a Dom, demonstrating discipline in your own life proves you have the competency to set meaningful goals, create actionable plans, and follow through with willpower and consistency. You don’t fold when things get difficult, and you hold yourself accountable. That kind of structure is exactly what many submissives crave for themselves. If you fail to model discipline, your submissive will struggle to respect you and follow the code of conduct or rules you establish. 

If this is an area you find challenging, I highly recommend starting with Bright Lines. I was first introduced to the concept of Bright Lines by Tom Bilyeu in 2018. The idea is simple but powerful: create clear, unambiguous boundaries with yourself around the habits that support the person you want to become. This approach places internal motivation front and center, giving you a solid reason for continuing the behavior while making it obvious whether you did it or not.

For example, you might set a boundary with yourself: I will work out three days a week, no matter what. Now, sure—that’s a little extreme. Sometimes you need rest days. But the power of a “bright line” lies in its clarity. You either did the thing or you didn’t. There’s no wiggle room, and that can be incredibly effective for holding yourself accountable.

What makes this really powerful is pairing it with identity. The key phrase is: “I’m the kind of person who…” followed by the habit you’re trying to form.

So, continuing our workout example: “I’m the kind of person who goes to the gym three times a week.” That single shift turns a behavior into a part of who you are. Once you adopt the identity of someone who works out regularly, your brain begins filling in the gaps: What else would that person do? Maybe they eat clean. Maybe they don’t drink much. Maybe they prioritize sleep.

Over time, when a temptation or obstacle comes up—say, you’re thinking about skipping a workout—your brain pushes back: That’s not who we are. And more often than not, you’ll follow through.

Practice Taking Responsibility

Power is what we tend to believe lies at the core of Dominance, right?

After all, the entire Dom/sub dynamic is based on power exchange—the submissive transferring power over them to you.

But what is power, really?

At its core, power is the ability to act freely—when you want, how you want—without external forces dictating your choices. It’s the capacity to take a vision in your mind and turn it into reality without restriction or interference.

Most people, when asked what lies at the heart of power, immediately think of control. But control only comes after power is attained. How do you actually gain that power? And why would people continue to willingly give it to you?

People generally yield power to you in exchange for what they want and need.

Think about it: to some degree, all of us hand over control of our lives to others every single day. We make this exchange because we believe the other party—whether it’s an employer, a corporation, or a government—will benefit us in some way.

The most prominent benefit is that we don’t have to worry about the logistical challenges of meeting our basic needs. Hell, people will accept tyranny if it provides safety and food on the table.

What lies at the heart of power is not control, but responsibility.

If you take responsibility for providing people with what they want and need, they will hand over their resources—and sometimes even some degree of control. These exchanges occur because you possess more power (remember: the ability to take action and make things happen) than the other person.

This means that those who wish to wield power must be able to understand, read, and feel what others want—and then deliver it in exchange for control. The most important skill for gaining more power in your life isn’t physical strength or amassing supporters (though both can help). It’s understanding what the people in front of you secretly crave, and taking responsibility for delivering it.

If you truly want to amass power in your life, you must start viewing every moment as an opportunity to assume responsibility. Every day presents chances to step up and lead in places where others are avoiding responsibility altogether.

In D/s relationships, the more you’re able to say, “I’m going to take responsibility for you and our dynamic,” the more power a submissive will want to relinquish.

In BDSM, there’s a dynamic known as Total Power Exchange, where the submissive gives 100% of their power to their Dom (often called her Master). That means the Dom has 100% control over them. But you know what else that means?

The Dom  also has 100% responsibility for the submissive, in every area of their life.

Of course, learning to take on that level of responsibility requires building capacity first. That’s why we start with you taking responsibility for yourself. That is where personal power is born.

As you take responsibility for your own life, you develop the skills to solve problems, create order, and acquire the resources needed to make shit happen. Your capacity for responsibility expands.

Only then are you able to extend that outward—to take responsibility for others.

Think of power as concentric circles:

• Yourself
• Your relationships
• Your family
• Your community
• Your country
• Your culture
• The world
  

You don’t have to be completely put together before taking on a little responsibility in other areas. Just remain conscious of your capacity. Only take on what you can genuinely tend to—no one wants half-ass work.

If you were to truly provide for the needs of everyone on the planet, you could theoretically amass the power to lead the world.

But start with yourself and the people immediately around you. Build your capacity for leadership. Then expand outward.

Practice Skills

The world of kink and BDSM is vast. It would be impossible for me to teach every kink with full training here—but I can give you the mindset and framework for developing your skills as a Top.

A Top is someone with the skills to perform specific acts on another person, not necessarily within a power exchange. A good Top has a solid understanding of BDSM principles, techniques, and safety practices. They continually seek to educate themselves to ensure safe and enjoyable experiences for both partners.

Depending on what you’re into, you’ll need to learn certain technical skills to perform those kinks safely and effectively. If you’re drawn to shibari, you’ll need to learn proper rope handling. If you’re into impact play, you’ll need to learn how to wield a flogger correctly. Each kink has its own techniques, best practices, and safety considerations.

My recommendation: focus on what genuinely excites you as a Dom and build your skills around that.

There are shibari masters who don’t care about spanking, and spanking experts who have no interest in rope. Trying to master everything just to appeal to more submissives is a mistake. You risk becoming a Vending Machine Dom—a service provider instead of a true Dominant.

Once you know what excites you and the kind of play you want to offer, you can build your toolkit around that.

For example:

• If you’re interested in restraining a sub but don’t want to take on the intensive learning curve of shibari, you might choose leather cuffs, bondage tape, or beginner-friendly restraint systems instead.
• If orgasm control and edging fascinate you, a magic wand may serve you better than a dildo that requires more effort and offers less precision.

Figure out what you want from the experience, what you want to bring to your partner(s), and let those desires guide the skills you learn and the tools you acquire.

To support your learning, I recommend:

• The topping and bottoming books by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
• Local workshops (find them through FetLife)
• Online learning platforms such as YouTube, Kink Academy, Beducated, and Kink University

Pick a kink you’re excited about. Find a resource. Start practicing. Go get after it.

Practice Commands & Dirty Talk

Your voice—particularly your commands—is going to be your number one tool for directing your submissive. Commands are so central that they appear first in my code of conduct for submissives, and the very first rule in my Dom/sub contract is: “He owns me. I will always listen to commands and guidance given by Him (unless it causes me harm). He always has final say.”

Now, if you’re just starting out as a Dom, it’s unlikely you’ll be taking that level of control immediately. More often, you’ll be leading in the bedroom, where your commands guide the scene and shape the sexual experience. This means your delivery—the way you say things—matters just as much as the content of your words.

When it comes to dirty talk, the line between making your sub melt and making them cringe often comes down to your delivery. If your voice or body language signals discomfort or insecurity, your dirty talk can have the opposite effect and turn them off. But when you speak with grounded confidence, when the words feel like they’re coming from your core, they’ll respond—often viscerally.

Here’s what weak versus strong delivery looks like:

Weak Delivery

• Hesitation
• Shy or avoidant eye contact
• Nervous, fidgety, or erratic body language
• Speaking quickly or mumbling
• Higher pitch or thin vocal tone
• Upward inflection at the end of sentences, as if asking a question
• Speaking too softly

Strong Delivery

• Clear, direct speech without hesitation
• Strong, steady eye contact
• Grounded, confident body language
• Speaking slowly and enunciating
• Deeper pitch and fuller vocal tone
• Neutral or downward inflection at the end of sentences
• Speaking loudly and firmly (unless whispering intentionally during intimacy)

My recommendation: choose a handful of phrases you want to start using and practice saying them out loud. Yes—literally practice. Say them in the mirror, say them in the shower, say them while washing dishes. It might feel silly at first, but the goal is for these phrases to become normal and comfortable in your mouth. That way, when you’re in the bedroom, it’s just another rep—you’ll deliver them naturally, confidently, and with the kind of presence that makes your partner melt.

Self-BDSM Practices for Submissives

Now let’s look at a few practices you can begin using to develop your submission on your own.

Practice Service

One of a Dom’s responsibilities in a dynamic is setting the vision for what the relationship or scene is going to be. They choose the direction and create the structure needed to get there. This applies in a fully committed relationship, a 24/7 dynamic, a casual connection, or even a single scene. The Dom is always leading.

Whether it’s one scene or an entire dynamic, leading is real work. A submissive is there to support the Dom in whatever ways help bring their shared vision to life. The Dom cannot do it alone—nor does a Dominant even exist without a submissive. Leaders need followers.

I like to think of the Dominant/submissive relationship as similar to a captain and first mate. The captain knows where the ship is headed and empowers the first mate to help them get there. The first mate follows the captain’s orders, makes their job easier, gives feedback about the state of the ship, and honors and respects the captain—especially in front of the crew. Your duties as a submissive are much the same.

You can practice this kind of service by being of service to other people—or even to yourself (since I bet you forget to do plenty of things that would actually serve you). Choose people or organizations you trust, respect, and admire, and offer your help in meaningful ways.

Along the way, you’ll develop some foundational principles of service:

• If they didn’t actually want the help, it’s not service. It doesn’t matter how thoughtful or skilled you are—if it isn’t something they want or need, it isn’t service.
• Serve with a positive attitude. A valuable trait of a good submissive is a resilient spirit—a willingness to be corrected without collapsing. There is no room for indignance or self-pity. Service is not just the task—it’s the attitude behind it. You’re not merely complying; you’re choosing to offer yourself with humility, adaptability, and grace under pressure.
  
• A good servant wants their Dom to be right. You won’t always agree with your Dom’s decisions. Sometimes you’ll think you know a better way. Sometimes you might even be correct. But submission isn’t about perfection—it’s about surrender. Your job isn’t to optimize; it’s to trust.

And as I said before, do not forget to serve yourself. Learn what your needs are, then learn the skills required to meet them. Practice fulfilling them just as you would for someone else.

Doing so will shift your perspective in three powerful ways:

1. You’ll respect yourself more, which makes you far more likely to stand up for your needs.
2. You’ll give from a place of fullness. When your own needs are met, you have overflow—energy you want to offer.
3. You’ll choose to submit, inviting someone to care for you not because you need them, but because you want them.

Practice Surrender

One of the biggest appeals of submission is the relief of handing over responsibility to someone else for a change—to be free, to stop worrying, and to simply be. The paradox is that many submissives-to-be are already overextended in their daily lives. You might be submitting to everyone except a Dom.

Think about it: Where in your life are you giving your time, energy, and attention out of obligation rather than desire? Those obligations drain you and create resentment—energy you’ll inevitably carry into a D/s dynamic unless you practice true surrender now.

To surrender intentionally, you must honestly examine where your time, energy, and resources are going—and, most importantly, how you feel about how you’re spending them. The goal is to get radically honest and begin creating space. That space makes you alive and full, so when you eventually serve a Dom, you’re serving from abundance—not depletion, guilt, or obligation.

To do this, create four columns: Obligations, Energy, Enjoyment, and Action.

Obligations

In the first column, list every obligation you’re currently committed to. Include things you believe you cannot change—because even those deserve examination. Children, partners, family, work, social commitments… all of it.

Ask yourself:

• Who do I give my time and energy to?
• What things must I do every day?
• What things must I do consistently?
• What responsibilities do I have?
• What am I committed to?
• What do I do with my free time?
• How do I take care of myself?
• How do I take care of others?
• When do I numb or distract myself?
• How do I waste time?
• How much do I sleep?

Add people, obligations, and commitments until you’ve captured where your energy goes. Reviewing your calendar, contacts, message history, and email can help jog your memory.

Now… breathe. Better yet, take a bath or a long walk. This list may feel overwhelming—and that’s the point. You can’t surrender what you haven’t acknowledged.

Energy

In the second column, mark how each obligation affects your energy. Use these symbols:

• ( + ) gives you energy
• ( – ) drains you
• ( / ) feels neutral

Enjoyment

In the third column, rate each item according to how much enjoyment or fulfillment it brings you.

Use a 0–10 scale:

• 0 = you despise it
• 10 = you love it and feel deeply nourished by it

Action

Finally, decide how to approach each obligation moving forward. Even when something feels “non-negotiable,” you often have more choice than you think—though that choice may be difficult.

Review your list and use the following categories:

• Stop: Look for obligations marked with (–) or (/) and an enjoyment score under 5. These activities drain you without meaningful benefit. Ask: What would happen if I stopped doing this? If possible, remove these entirely.
• Relinquish: Still looking at (–) or (/) items below 5, identify the ones you can’t fully drop but could hand over to someone else. Then consider items with enjoyment scores from 5–7. Which of these might run more smoothly—or bring you more peace—if someone else took them on? Relinquishing these tasks creates room for what truly matters. Even without a Dom, delegation to coworkers, family members, friends, or hired support is still an act of surrender.
• Cherish: These are the obligations marked with (+) and scoring 8–10 in enjoyment. They energize you, nourish you, and make you feel alive. These are yours. Do not give them up for anyone—not even a Dom. These keep you whole.

As you can see, surrender doesn’t have to be dramatic or difficult—especially when you begin by letting go of the things that drain you the most.

But let’s be very clear: You are not dumping your problems onto your Dom. Doms are leaders and problem-solvers—not charity workers. In D/s, the exchange is real: the more you relinquish, the more you’ll be expected to serve your Dom in the way they see fit.

Practice Skills

What—you thought the Dom was the only one who needed to learn skills? Submission does not mean being passive. Submissives require skills to keep themselves safe and to ensure a fulfilling, consensual, and deeply satisfying experience. Here, I’m specifically talking about developing the skills of a Bottom.

A Bottom is someone who has the skills to receive specific acts from another person, not necessarily within a power exchange. Just like a Top, a good Bottom has a strong understanding of BDSM principles, techniques, and safety practices. They continually seek to educate themselves to ensure safe, pleasurable, and meaningful play for both partners.

Depending on what you’re into, you’ll also need to learn certain technical skills to safely and correctly engage in various kinks—though the skills you develop will differ from what a Top needs to learn.

You’ll also want to understand things such as:

• How to navigate subspace and manage subdrop
• How your body responds to different types of play and where your limits are
• How to communicate before a scene (negotiation), during a scene (using safewords), and after a scene (feedback and aftercare)

To support your learning, I recommend:

• The topping and bottoming books by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
• Local workshops (find them through FetLife)
• Online learning platforms such as YouTube, Kink Academy, Beducated, and Kink University

Pick a kink you’re excited about. Find a resource. Start practicing. Go get after it.

Practice Understanding Your Yes and No

You know all those times you were told you’re too emotional?

Yeah. Ignore that.

The truth is, you’re not emotional enough. You’re disregarding your emotions so thoroughly that the only one you can reliably feel anymore is anxiety. The rest have been boxed up and put away because they “get in the way of life.”

Emotions are actually essential for a submissive. They are information-rich indicators of your inner experience—signals that tell you what you want, what you don’t, and where your boundaries truly lie. That anxiety you feel? It’s often a sign that you have a backlog of unfelt, undigested emotions your system is trying to manage.

At some point in your submissive journey, you’ll need to differentiate between a true yes and a true no. You’ll need to be able to hear what your body is telling you and recognize how yes and no feel in your system. We’ll cover that in a moment.

For now, I want you to begin reconnecting with the somatic experience of your emotions—what they feel like in your body. In other words, get out of your head and all the stories you’ve created about your experiences, and start paying attention to what’s actually happening inside you.

This starts with improving your interoception—your awareness of your internal bodily and emotional states. Your practice is to check in with yourself regularly throughout the day, noticing physical sensations and linking them to your emotions. Set alarms if you need to. Make it a ritual.

You can deepen this connection by practicing body scans:

1. Get into a comfortable position.
2. Take a few slow breaths, then bring your attention to your feet. Notice—without judgment—the sensations present there.
3. Move your awareness to your lower legs, then continue upward through each part of your body until you reach your head.
4. Use descriptive (not evaluative) language for sensations. Think: squishy, tense, hot, buzzy, relaxed, sharp, heavy—rather than good, bad, or hurt.

Doing this builds an intimate relationship with your body. When it has something to tell you, you’ll be able to hear it. That’s vital for the work ahead.

D/s relationships are built on consent. Both sides must be fully bought in. But here’s where the imbalance shows up: Doms rarely need to practice saying no, because they’re already steering the dynamic. Submissives, however, have to be excellent at recognizing and voicing both yes and no.

And here’s the tricky part: sometimes something is a no right now, a yes later, and then a no again. Naturally, that can make you uncertain about your desires.

What’s even more dangerous is saying yes when you are actually a no—whether because you’re nervous, eager to please, unsure of yourself, or afraid to speak up. That’s how submissives end up resentful, ashamed, or overwhelmed later. It also erodes trust—not just in your Dominant, but in yourself.

This is why it’s critically important to feel into your body and emotional state in the moment. Although each person is different, yes and no often have distinct somatic signatures.

A yes often feels:

• Expansive
• Light, airy
• Warm
• Energized and excited
• Focused, dialed in
• Relaxed and free of tension

A no often feels:

• Contracting
• Heavy or dark
• Irritable or restless
• Detached, bored, or tired
• Uncertain
• Filled with tension
• Cringe or aversion

It’s also important to distinguish between a true no and a fearful yes—situations where you want something but feel afraid to lean into it. Fear-driven uncertainty often has a “pulled forward” feeling—like nervous excitement before riding a roller coaster—while your mind spins stories that hold you back from fully committing.

Learning these nuances now will shape the depth, safety, and authenticity of your future submission.

Start With Yourself—It Matters More Than You Think

BDSM doesn’t begin with a partner. It begins with you—your body, your desires, your fantasies, your discipline, your willingness to explore. Solo BDSM isn’t a consolation prize; it’s the foundation that makes everything richer, deeper, and safer once you eventually play with someone else.

When you learn your needs, practice your skills, explore your erotic mind, and build your capacity—whether as a Dom, sub, switch, or something in between—you walk into future dynamics with clarity and confidence instead of guesswork and insecurity.

Solo play isn’t just fulfilling. For many people, it’s necessary.

Start now. Explore boldly. Build yourself into the partner you’d want to meet—and when that person finally arrives, you’ll be ready in all the ways that count.